ISSUE #1
HAVE YOU SEEN THE SAUCERs?
Created by voiceover specialist and caffeine addict Blaze Bronson, U.F. Oughta Know is by far the most popular publication for the tin-foil hat wearing community of 2027. This first issue was released on July 7th in honor of the events that allegedly took place in Roswell, New Mexico back in 1947, the details of which you probably aren’t familiar with.
“Life doesn’t need to find a way. It just knows.”
Featured Articles
THERE'S SOMETHING ON MARS
As of 2018 there were at least fourteen different robots on Mars. Okay, maybe not cybernetic organisms like The Terminator or the crazy ladybot from Metropolis, but they were remotely operated machines. Most of them crash landed and immediately became useless heaps of metal. NASA had a couple of good runs with some robots named Spirit and Opportunity. Because of that we give them two gold stars for their ability to come up with captivatingly original names. Here's a bit of insider information for you: They come up with the names by deciding what term best coveys the spirit of exploration or the idea of traveling to far away places. Due to this fantastic fact, one might ask themselves, “Why does that concept need to be conveyed in the first place, isn't it self-evident?" But, I would suggest you refrain from asking yourself that question because it might cause you to believe that they are trying too hard. Like Shakespeare said, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks." It makes sense they would oversell it though. If you're sitting around going, “Boy it's so cool that humanity is venturing out to space," then you're less likely to pay attention to the fact that the sky is two different colors when the robots that are on Mars send photos back.
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UFO'S ARE REAL
Now that we've got that straight, let's briefly discuss it in immense detail. UFO simply stands for Unidentified Flying Object. There is also a newer term—UAP—which either means Unidentified Aerial Phenomena or Unexplained Aerial Phenomena depending on who you ask. We aren't going to use that one because it's stupid and we hate it. If everyone can't agree on the term itself then how in the f--k are people supposed to agree on the event and/or object it is applied to? So forget about that one.
The term UFO on the other hand was coined by The United States Air Force in 1953 as a sort of blanket statement; anything that's flying around without their knowledge or permission. Supposedly. The first published use of this term was credited to a guy named Donald E. Keyhoe. However, there's another dude named Edward Rupplet who may or may not have coined it first. He was the head of Project Blue Book—cue the theme song to The X-Files—and he felt that “flying saucer," was too sensational. While that may be true, it certainly put the kibosh on the popularity of the subject. Take this photo for example:
If someone told you this was an Unidentified Flying Object, you'd say, “Well, yeah." But if someone told you it was a flying saucer you'd say, “Prove it." Which is exactly why they say UFO. No one wants you to go around trying to prove things.
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STONE CIRCLES ARE A THING OF THE PAST
For the longest time, people tried to determine the meaning and/or function of the myriad stone circles around the world. Stonehenge was the only household name, but there were thousands of these things. They were thought of as possible centers for religious ritual, cosmic calendars, graves, locations of extra-terrestrial activity, the list goes on. If we're being honest, until 2025 none of us had any idea what they were legitimately used for. Turns out we weren't even close. Now I know what your thinking. What the f—k are they then? I can't disclose that in full. And I'm not sorry about it. For now I'll simply say this:
It's not a matter of looking up, it's a matter of going down.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION
Have you ever suddenly awoken from a dream? Perhaps a dream about falling to your death? In this dream were you walking along peacefully only moments prior?
If that happens again try and remember the exact time and place in which you are falling. You may be surprised at what you see.
Those stone circles won't be there forever.
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seemingly unimportant something
The Truman Resonance
What you see here is a spectrograph of something that is either extremely relevant to your daily life, or utterly meaningless altogether. It's called The Schumann Resonance. It is a fluctuating resonance in the Earth's electromagnetic field. It's like blowing across the top of a glass bottle. It makes a note. The two are different because one is sound and the other is light, but the principle remains the same. The resonance was mathematically predicted by a guy with a ridiculous name that we aren't going to repeat because it doesn't matter, no one cares, and you won't remember it anyway. What you need to know is that this resonance usually hovers around 7.83Hz, which is in the ELF (Extremely Low Frequency) spectrum. This resonance is a naturally occurring phenomena, and it varies a few Hertz from time to time due to things like lightning or changes in the magnetic field that surrounds this planet.
One of the most controversial things about it actually has nothing to do with science, and everything to do with human perception. You've heard of “Om" correct? The base mantra for most meditation techniques. Well, some people will tell you that this resonance and Om are two peas in a pod. They'll tell you that the ancient people who discovered the mantra did so purely by feeling out the resonance. They didn't have all our fancy mumbo jumbo, and yet, they were able to pick up on it. Most, if not all science based skeptics will tell you that this correlation is total bunk; that Om has nothing to do with the resonance. In fact, they'll go so far as to tell you this resonance has virtually no effect on human beings, and therefore all New Age or Spiritually minded people are idiots. Granted, most New Agers and Spiritually minded people ARE idiots, but that's their own fault, not the Universe. The difficulty of deciding which is right and which is dead wrong comes by way of some unfortunate experiments the science nerds conducted.
Different electromagnetic frequencies, when applied to the human skull, have been used to make people dizzy, panicked, fearful, and even die. They can cause you to hallucinate, lose your power of speech, have a seizure, alter your personality, or remove your emotions altogether. We aren't saying this proves the effects of the resonance and thereby grants legitimacy to the ancients. But, there's also this to consider: In 2017 the Schumann Resonance began rising to record heights, and continually did so. Instead of 7Hz with slight variations, there where prolonged jumps to 14Hz, 16Hz, 25Hz, 30Hz, 36Hz, 60Hz, and higher. That's not exactly business as usual. Now, as I said, this thing is either extremely relevant to your daily life, or it shouldn't mean anything to you. But let me ask you this, when you look at the world around you in 2019, does it seem like things are growing increasingly chaotic? Is life on Earth getting stranger by the minute? Or is everything perfectly normal.
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The One-two punch
BLAME IT ON THE NIGHTMARES
The term nightmare isn't used correctly. Ever. It is a combination of two words. Night, and Mare. The first is self explanatory, and the second means, “a mythological being that torments humans during sleep." Contrary to your average dictionary, when taken together it does not mean, “a scary dream." It means a female spirit that afflicts a sleeping person with the feeling of suffocation. How they landed on it being female I don't know, but that's besides the point. The suffocation side of it came from a phenomenon we now call Sleep Paralysis. It affects almost everyone at least once in their life. What happens is that your brain wakes you up, but your body stays asleep. The resulting sensation is utterly terrifying and consists of you being unable to move despite the fact that all your senses are functioning perfectly. You are left to lay there and watch while a monster of one type or another approaches you. What they do after that varies according to their intentions. If you ever meet someone who claims to have been abducted by aliens, Sleep Paralysis is the scientific explanation for it. So realistically there's nothing to worry about. Then again, scientists have been known to be wrong.
HERE ARE SOME WORDS
GREYS - The typical kind.
REPTILIANS - The shapeshifting lizard kind.
PLEIADIANS - The kind that meddle in our affairs.
BLUE AVIANS - The bird kind.
LYRANS - The feline kind. Specifically Lions.
DRACONIANS - Basically Reptilians.
NIOC - The ones that look like shadows.
MAZZAROTH - The ones who enforce Universal Law.
DRAAG - Dragons
I take no responsibility for these words, and I don't think they mean what they supposedly mean, but now you can look them up and decide for yourself.
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A Fun "fact"
ZERO POINT ENERGY
If you are a physicist, prepare to roll your eyes. If you're not, brace yourself. Here's the skinny: Everything in the entire universe is energy. This energy never goes away. It is simply traded, transferred, used, and abused. The quickest route to understanding this is eating. Anything you've ever eaten was alive at one time. You took the energy that made that thing alive and put it in your body. In exchange it gave you the strength to move around. Then you got rid of it and it went into the Earth. This same principle can be applied to literally everything. Energy from the sun makes the snow melt; the melted snow builds momentum as it flows down the mountain; the water from the mountain moves through the dam; the dam converts motion into electricity. If you've paid any attention to science at all, you've heard the phrase, “Energy is neither created nor destroyed." Some people call that The Law of Conservation of Energy. We don't, but some do. They say it can be proven beyond any doubt with something called Neother's Theorem. We on the other hand are going to behave like a bunch of blissfully ignorant idiots and reject that in favor of a half baked hypothesis.
The hypothesis is this: Energy IS created, and it's created when Nothing turns into Something. The basis for our hypothesis is that there used to BE nothing. There was a time when no energy existed, and now a bunch of it does. It doesn't matter where you think it came from. Maybe you think God did it, maybe you think the Big Bang did it, maybe you think it just happened all by itself. Who cares. The fact is that it got here somehow, and it in and of itself is proof enough, so Mr. Newton can suck it.
Consider for a moment the power of the Mind: you have hundreds of combined sensory experiences every day that no one has ever had before. Sure, there are only so many ingredients you can use to cook up an experience, and most of them are recycled or repetitive, but there are also only so many words you can use to tell a joke, yet magically people come up with brand spanking new jokes every day. Those jokes make people laugh, and that laughter generates a positive energy within them that they didn't have before, and suddenly the light emanating from them is shining ever so slightly brighter. In short, creativity of mind is creative energy, and creative energy MAKES MORE ENERGY. Simple as that. How can we claim to know better than thousands of dedicated human beings that sacrificed their social lives to mathematics? Well, it doesn't have anything to do with "How." We just can, so we are.
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Bronson's Musical selection
Well.. Have You?
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A GAME CHANGER
Created by Blaze Bronson and Rollins Thomas, Snowy Mountain Pass is the best thing that isn't on TV yet. Thankfully we are veritable time travelers, so we can let you in on the secret early. On the 3rd Floor you'll find a copy of the script for the pilot episode.
THE DECEPTION MYSTERIES
Written by disclosure agent Wilcock's Moneybags, The Deception Mysteries teaches you everything you need to know about making things up. Find it in the Library.
Opinion section
Dear Blaze,
I realize that you don't plan on having a zodiac section in your magazine, but I kind of think that you should. I was a total skeptic for most of my life. I was always posting things on social media like, “The planets and stars have absolutely nothing to do with you," or, “Thanks John Zodiac for inventing something we can blame our actions on other than ourselves." Of course, I ended up deleting that second one because I didn't realize there was no John Zodiac. That fact alone caused me to investigate further. I begrudgingly read my first horoscope and it said, “Tomorrow is going to be the best day of your life." My first thought was, “f--kin' doubt it." I spent the whole next day waiting to be proven wrong, but it never happened. The day sucked. I went to bed feeling as though my skepticism had been galvanized. Then, lo and behold, I read my horoscope the next morning and it said, “You're disappointed today because you're expectations were not met, but sometimes we need to learn that having expectations was the problem in the first place." Ever since then I've been super into it.
Sincerely,
Horoscope Reader
“Excellent work.”
Dear Blaze,
At first we were really excited to hear about your new magazine. So excited in fact that we used our scientific know-how to get a copy of it before it was published. We thought it was so great you wanted to tell the kids out there about all the things they should know. Honestly, we thought the name U. F. Oughta Know was going to be a bait and switch. Like, you make the kids think it's going to be fun, but then it turns out to be a bunch of boring facts. It reminded us of school, and we love school. But, Blaze, we are severely disappointed. Every single one of us was laughing hysterically the whole time. It was fun. And you know how much science you can get done while laughing and having fun? None. None science. We know this because we did a series of experiments in which we gave 10 people the option to sit down and do some agonizingly difficult math problems that could solve the mysteries of the universe, or play video games. 10 out of 10 chose the video games. So we were thinking that if you toned it down a little bit, maybe used less pictures, and wrote about things like How Paint Dries, or How Grass Grows, this magazine would be a lot better. Anyways, we do work in the same building as you so please feel free to stop by our laboratory and see if there's anything you'd like to include in the next issue.
Sincerely,
The Scientists
P.S. We're mad at you for saying that we're wrong sometimes. Obviously it's true, we just don't like it when you say it.
