[THEME SEQUENCE]

FADE IN FROM BLACK.

EXT. SLOW PAN across small town intersection. Empty street. One young man [MARTY] enters storefront. We see that it is a record shop named Elevator to 11. 

INT. Wide angle displaying the entire shop. Long haired middle aged man [RUPERT] is sitting at register apathetically with a pair of headphones on. He is playing with a laser pointer. Marty begins to browse the shelves furthest from the door. 

{Elevator music plays in the background over shop speakers.}

A second young man [NILS] enters the shop and begins to browse on the side furthest from Marty. None of the three people acknowledge each other. In the center of the frame there is a row of vinyl records, and in the center of this row is a bright pink album which reads: RELATIVELY HOT MOMS. Both Marty and Nils begin to close in on this record. They both see it at the same time and exchange a glance. Realizing there is only one of these records in the stack, they turn and face each other with intense expressions. 

{Low note strikes.}

The camera zooms in slowly, and Marty grabs Nils shirt by the collar in a threatening way.

MARTY: 
Now you listen to me you son of a bitch, I saw it first.

NILS: 
That will never be true. 

(Both narrow their eyes.)

MARTY:
It’s always been true.

NILS:
Maybe for the last five seconds.

(Marty lets go of Nils’ shirt, and stares him down.)

MARTY: 
That’s more than enough. Now I’m buying this record for your sister because she loves Relatively Hot Moms, even though they suck.

(Nils raises his hand and points a finger at Marty.)

NILS:
Say what you want about my sister, but you leave the Moms out of this. 

(In the background we see a teenage girl [LUNA] walk into the shop. She has green hair and is wearing a hooded sweatshirt. She exchanges a few words with the man at the register, and he points her in the direction of Marty and Nils.)

MARTY:
You’d choose Relatively Hot Moms over your own sister? (Whispering) It’s her birthday for Pete’s sake.

NILS:
If you knew her at all you would know that she hates her birthday. She’s afraid of candles.

MARTY:
Which is exactly why Pete makes her throw a party every year. Thanks to advancements in solar electricity it’s the only legitimate excuse we have to light candles. The g--damn power never goes out anymore!

(Luna closes in on Marty and Nils, and quietly reaches over the shelf to grab the R.H.M. record. Neither of them notice.) 

NILS:
You make me sick. 

MARTY:
She has to face her fears at some point Nils. 

NILS:
Some say that the best way to face your fears is to turn your back on them.

MARTY:
That doesn’t make any sense.

(Luna walks back to the register with the record in hand, pays for it, and leaves the shop.)

NILS:
You dumb bastard. 

MARTY:
I have a father.   

(Both boys grab each other by the shoulders and start wrestling, tipping back and forth. Nils puts Marty in a headlock. Then they pause when Marty’s face goes down to where the record used to be.) 

MARTY:
What in the hell?

(Both stand up straight.)

NILS:
It’s been raptured.

MARTY:
Records don’t get raptured you idiot.

NILS:
Aliens...

(Nils looks around at the ceiling mystified.)

MARTY:
There’s got to be a logical explanation.

NILS:
(Whispering to himself) That is a logical explanation.

(Marty looks around the store. He makes eye contact with the man at the register, who then points the laser out the window.)

PAN right. We see Luna walking down the street with the record under her arm. 

{Upbeat song begins.}

MARTY:
Rupert! You should’ve stopped her. 

(Rupert waves.)

NILS:
Was that...?

MARTY:
Luna Mar-Lane. C’mon we need that record.

(Marty makes for the door, and Nils follows suit.) 

NILS:
Oh now we’re on the same team.

MARTY:
This is bigger than us. Thanks for nothing Rupert!

(Rupert waves and points the laser at them.)

CUT to EXT. Street view from the opposing corner. We see Marty and Nils run out of the shop and look around frantically. They both believe that they see her, and begin running in opposite directions. One second later they both realize they are wrong, and they stop in their tracks. 

NILS:
Luna! Where are you? Come back!

(Marty walks up to Nils.)

MARTY: 
She’s not going to hear you.

NILS: 
You don’t know that.

MARTY: 
I absolutely do. She’s deaf. Which explains her taste in music if I do say so myself.

NILS: 
She’s not deaf, I talk to her all the time. 

MARTY: 
Oh really? Name one time. 

NILS:
Just the other day. I saw she had a Cheese-It’s Christ sticker on her locker from the Hypocritical Hipsters tour and I said, ‘I can’t wait for the new single Crotch Affliction,’ and then she gave me a thumbs up and she said um, she said...

MARTY:
It was a one-sided conversation wasn’t it.

NILS:
Dammit you’re right. But she’s always wearing headphones. Why would a deaf person wear headphones? And why would she buy a record she can’t listen to? It doesn’t make any sense.

MARTY:
Now who’s the dumb bastard?

NILS:
I’m just saying it’s a weird thing to do.

MARTY:
No sensitivity points for you this morning. Are you in a mood? Did you have that dream again where your watching the hottest woman in the world play with a butterfly knife and then you wake up and realize it was actually Ryan Gosling the whole time? 

(Nils gives Marty a deathly glare.)

NILS:
Who told you that?

MARTY:
No one. It’s a pretty common dream. I have it myself, only I’ve accepted my fate, and learned to cherish it.

(In the background we see an out of focus figure covered in paint and wearing all white clothes. The figure is walking towards Marty and Nils.)

NILS:
I call bullshit.

MARTY:
I call Meatloaf. But he never answers the phone.

{Sinister note strikes.}

FIGURE:
Boys...

(Marty and Nils twitch, and turn to face the figure. They freak out when they see that the figure bares a striking resemblance to Meatloaf in the 70’s.)

NILS:
Holy sh-t. 

FIGURE:
I have a message for you Marty, and that message is this: Do not blame the dog if the squirrels are barking. They are up the wrong tree.

(Marty audibly swallows. Nils glances at him in fear. The figure takes a wet paint brush out of his pocket, and puts a mark on Marty’s hand. Then the figure walks away silently.)

NILS:
(Whispering) What in the...

MARTY:
I can’t believe it.

NILS:
What is it? What did he mean?

(Marty remains silent, and thinks to himself while looking at the white splotch on the back of his hand) 

MARTY:
They know Nils. 

NILS:
About what Marty? About what?

MARTY:
(To himself) How could they know.... How did they track me? There must be a bug in my house. Or worse, a whole ant hill’s worth of bugs. Or even worse worse, they’ve got someone looking through my window. Or even worse worse worse, they’ve got an insider. 

(Marty turns to Nils in great distress.)

MARTY:
It was you wasn’t it? You told them...

(Understandably Nils reacts.)

NILS:
I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I probably don’t want to know. But I swear to Maverick AND Goose that if you don’t tell me in the next three seconds I’ll never walk to school with you again. 

MARTY:
I’m not going to tell YOU. You could be one of them Nils. What if our whole friendship is a lie?

NILS:
Our friendship is not a lie Marty. It’s always been real.

MARTY:
But that’s exactly how it works. You’ve seen the movies. The double agent always falls for the target. Usually after it’s too late.

(Nils grabs Marty by the collar, and pulls him in close.)

NILS:
I will never fall for you, not in a million years.

MARTY:
So there’s a chance.

(Marty tightens his eyes.)

NILS:
Let me re-phrase that. Not in an infinite number of years. 

MARTY:
Your eyes say differently.

(Nils is wearing a pair of sunglasses, and in the reflection we see the words I LOVE YOU in bright red. He shifts his face away from Marty and looks into the distance.)

NILS:
It’s not my eyes. It’s that sign across the street.

(Marty turns and looks.)

CUT to a shot of a corner store. In the window is a lit up portrait of notorious cult leader Dennis Manson with a neon speech bubble that says
I LOVE YOU in reverse. 

MARTY:
That’s very unsettling.  

NILS:
Now do you believe me?

(Marty continues to stare at the sign.)

MARTY:
No. I have a complicated relationship with coincidences. 

NILS:
Oh my goodness. We’re just friends Marty, I promise. 

MARTY:
Say it like you mean it. 

NILS:
It like you mean it.

MARTY:
No, say that sentence again but with more sincerity. 

NILS:
That sentence again but with more sincerity. 

(Marty lets the tension release.)

MARTY:
Okay, thank you. Now was that so difficult?

NILS:
It didn’t have to be.

MARTY:
Good. Just lead with that next time. It’ll save us a lot of time.

(Both boys start walking down the street)

CUT to a view of the intersection. We see the boys on the far corner getting ready to cross. 

NILS:
I still would like to know why that paint covered Meatloaf said those things. Dogs barking, squirrels going up trees, I don’t get it.

MARTY:
It’s not the dogs barking it’s the squirrels. Clearly you always do your math homework.

NILS:
Of course I do. They tell me to do it so I do it. I don’t see what those two things have to do with one another. 

MARTY:
I just hope you never do Nils.   

(The light changes, and they begin to cross.)

CUT to both boys in the frame, camera faces them as they walk. They pass by a coffee shop that has a To-Go window on the side. Right before the boys walk past this window, an energy drink is set down. We only see the hand of the person that does it. 

VOICE:
Your daily dollop Mr. Marigold. 

(Marty takes the beverage, and stops to look through his wallet.)

MARTY:
Shit. You got a twenty Nils?

(Nils shakes his head.)

MARTY:
Is it alright if I pay you tomorrow?

VOICE:
Tomorrow is Tuesday Mr. Marigold. No one ever pay me on Tuesday. 

(Marty thinks for a second, then points his finger in the air.)

MARTY:
Wednesday then?

VOICE:
Wednesday is fine yes. 

MARTY:
Alright it’s a deal. 

(Marty shakes the hand in the window, and they walk away.)

CUT to a shot of the boys on the sidewalk, this time from behind. 

NILS:
I can’t believe you drink those every day. They’re terrible for you. And my dad says that they put bio-bots in them to control your brain. 

MARTY:
What?? There’s no way that’s true. They’ve got B vitamins, C vitamins, all sorts of minerals, no gluten, and nitro glycerin. They’re perfectly healthy.

NILS:
They don’t have nitro glycerin. The closest thing to that is D-Glucuronolactone pronunciation-wise, and they’re not even that close. 

MARTY:
Yet they both sound like excellent fuel sources for the bio-bots. 

NILS:
And you’re perfectly fine with the possibility of these things being in your morning beverage?

MARTY:
I live life on the edge Nils. It’s something a man like you would never understand. 

NILS:
On the edge of sanity.

MARTY:
Yea, that’s what I said. 

NILS:
So theoretically, in your world view, you would be able to sleep at night knowing that some company whose operations you know nothing about, is engineering tiny little brainwashers and naming them things like L-Carnitine so that you think they are some sort of chemical ingredient, when really they are highly manipulative molecular machines. AND, if you ever find out the truth, they can’t get in trouble because technically they told you they were in there. And there are hundreds of conspiracy websites online to back it up, which you could’ve read, and subsequently known not to drink it. 

MARTY:
Yes. Tiny chemical thingy’s that clean my brain. You’ve gotta maintain that bad boy Nils. Besides, they taste amazing. 

NILS:
Oh sure, you know that thing you call carbonation? Thats just the feeling of robots crawling into your stomach. 

MARTY:
Shut the front door, now you’re just being ridiculous. 

As the boys are walking away from the center of town, they pass by a bait shop with an Airstream trailer parked next to it. There is rickety old fence surrounding the trailer, and an open bag of sugar on the ground by the front gate. The boys hear a man [JEB] yelling, so they stop and listen.

CUT to a shot of the Airstream taking up the entire frame. The camera zooms in as the conversation plays out.

JEB:
That rooster kickin’ butt farm won’t know what hit ‘em. I’ll clean his shelves so good he won’t see a cereal box for weeks. I tell you what. What? 

FEMALE VOICE:
No Jeb, it wasn’t like you said I swear. He brought a bushel of bananas to her potluck, nothing more. 

JEB:
That sounds like a mighty powerful metatron to me. 

FEMALE VOICE:
It’s metaPHOR, and no it’s not a metaphor. He literally brought a bushel of bananas to her potluck!

JEB:
I don’t give a good smoked ham what he literally did. I don’t even read. I betcha this mystery man’ll do anything for South Carolina.

FEMALE VOICE:
South Carolina? What has that got to do with...

JEB:
I don’t like to say it Darla. Just plain don’t. Are you gonna make me say it?

DARLA:
Say it Jeb. How could South Carolina have anything to do with this?

JEB:
Vagina okay, I said it. It’s a code name for vagina. Ugh, I hate it!

DARLA:
You’re a sick man Jeb! 

JEB:
Ain’t my fault. I gotta see South Carolina wherever I go. Walk outside and see a flower. South Carolina. Pay for gas with a credit card. South Carolina. Plug a lamp into a wall. Two South Carolinas. Cut any piece of fruit in half. South Carolina. If you can look at that fish sticker on the back of Pastor Dick’s car and not think of South Carolina, then I don’t even know why we’re still married.

DARLA:
Oh yea! You think you have it so tough? Well what about me? Turn a doorknob. Venus. Put a key in the ignition. Venus. Hold a flashlight. Venus. If I ever go to D.C. you know what I’m gonna find? George Washington’s five hundred and fifty five foot Penis right in my face. 

JEB:
Penis is a brand of ladies razors. It’s got nothing to do with Washington’s monument...

DARLA:
Have you seen their commercials?! 

JEB:
We’re gettin’ off track here missy. Now I’m gonna go find this bottle blaster before he brings another bushel of bananas to anyone’s potluck!

(Jeb bursts through the front door holding a loaded shotgun. He goes out of the frame in a huff.)

CUT to the original shot from behind Marty and Nils. They are standing there waiting as Jeb walks up. When he gets to the gate they are all three face to face. There is a ten second stare down.

(Jeb points the shotgun at Marty and Nils.)

JEB:
(In a slow hostile voice) Are you cheatin’ on my wife?

MARTY:
Nope with a silent K.

NILS:
Never even met the gal. 

JEB:
Dammit. Well I’m gonna find that muffin flattener if it’s the last thing I do.

(Jeb marches away from the boys, shotgun in hand. They watch him go down the street pointing the gun at random people and asking them the same question.)

NILS: 
I swear that guy has no facial recognition. Four years of walking past here, and all he ever does is accuse us of a crime. 

MARTY:
Cheating on someone’s wife isn’t a crime. 

NILS:
Well no, but it is frowned upon. 

MARTY:
It can’t be frowned upon because its not a thing. 

NILS:
Of course it is, he just asked us if we were doing it.

MARTY:
Just because someone asks you if your doing something, doesn’t mean it can be done. 

NILS:
If it can’t be done then why is it even possible to ask the question?

MARTY:
If that were true, I could say something like: Are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna get on your feet and stay where you are?

NILS:
That’s not the same thing. You’re giving me two options and they’re both the same thing, so I don’t have to do anything in order to do what your saying. I’m talking about telling someone to do something that can’t be done. That’s what I’m saying. 

MARTY:
Okay. Then how ‘bout this. Name a color that you’ve never seen before.

NILS:
Ultraviolet. Infrared. Radio. X-Ray. Gamma Ray. Microwave.

MARTY:
No, name an impossible color you can’t see.

NILS:
Red-green, blue-yellow...

MARTY:
No! Name a color that isn’t in the color spectrum. 

NILS:
Pink. 

MARTY:
You’re a moron. 

NILS:
Cyan too actually. 

MARTY:
Moron. 

NILS:
I’m dead serious. 

MARTY:
Nerd!

NILS:
Seriously they aren’t a...

MARTY:
Nerd!

NILS:
Fine. 

MARTY:
We’re going to be late for school. Besides, that’s probably our best bet for finding Relatively Hot Moms.

(Marty exits the frame.)

NILS:
Nerd. 

(Nils exits the frame.)

PAN down to the gate in the fence. 

{Mysterious music begins}

We see the open bag of sugar sitting next to the gate. Camera remains fixed. We hear the sound of the Airstream’s front door opening, and Darla walking out. As the music plays, we see Darla’s hands open the gate, then she reaches down to grab the sugar. She takes the bag and pours a zig zag line across the open gateway. She sets the sugar down, and goes back into the Airstream. 

{Mysterious music crescendos}

FADE to BLACK.

ACT TWO

{Ominous music begins}

FADE IN from BLACK. INT. Camera fixed on a kitchen window that has been covered entirely in tin foil. There is also a sink taking up the lower half of the frame. SLOW PAN left displaying dishes, towels, and quant decorations. Soon we transition to a dinning room with mahogany china cabinets and a long table. A detective [SULLY] appears in the frame. He is wearing his M.P.D. uniform and a cowboy hat. He is shifting a tooth pick back and forth with his teeth while writing on an 8x11 notepad. Facing him is an elderly woman in a plaid dress.  

(Sully stops writing, and stares at the woman scrupulously. Then he turns serious.) 

SULLY:
Let me repeat back to you in grave detail the thing that I wrote down in my notes just now. The witness, identity confirmed as Professor Flufflernuff. 

WOMAN:
Snufflefluff.

SULLY: 
Rufflesnuff. 

WOMAN:
Snufflefluff. 

SULLY:
Identity confirmed as Professor Rufflestuff, was perched upon the precipice of the grandfather clock at approximately two seconds to seven. Therefore we can deduce that the time of the incident was exactly seven, minus one second. Because, after all, the bell struck immediately after the witness meowed at an incredibly high volume. It was almost as if he knew it was going to happen, and he wanted to be louder than the bell when the ringing of it finally happened. From there, things take a paranormal and extra-curricular turn in the sudden appearance of a floating red orb.

WOMAN:
Dot.

SULLY:
Small orb shaped dot...

WOMAN:
A flat dot. 

SULLY:
A two dimensional dot which may or may not have been functioning as a three dimensional illusion of an orb. This flying orb dot, or dot orb if you will, then proceeded to move about the room freely without any means of propulsion. Furthermore, the witness, Professor Snuffleruff, followed its movements closely with the intention of pursuing its trajectory. He wanted to hunt down and subdue the supernatural aerial phenomena once, twice, and three times for all. But! Just then, yourself, witness number two and hereafter referred to as The Mrs., discovered, in tandem with the professor, that the dot orb, or orb dot if you will, could not be trapped by conventional methods. For it simply transferred through Fluffersnuff’s paws, and remained unchanged. Therefore, you believe that this object may or may not, may or may be, or in other words maybe might not be a normal thing. Also known as, something from the Fourth Dimension.   

THE MRS:
Precisely.

SULLY:
Indeed. 

(Sully puts away his pen.)

SULLY:
Well, as I always say sometimes: I’m Sully Clearwater, and that’s all the lead I need. 

(Sully smiles bright.)

THE MRS:
Don’t you need to speak with the witness?

(Sully looks at her as if there is no way she is serious.)

CUT to a shot of a white cat on the living room floor. Camera is focused on the cat as it looks at the ceiling, but we see Sully in the background. We also see that there is another person [QUINCY] standing in the dining room that we didn’t see before. Everyone stares at the cat for a while. 

CUT to original shot of Sully and The Mrs. in the dinning room.

SULLY:
I don’t want to disturb the professor. Clearly he is under a great deal of stress stemming from the day’s events. 

THE MRS:
Of course, of course. I don’t know what I was thinking. My poor Snufflefluff. 

(The Mrs. begins to sob quietly.)

SULLY:
There, there. Everything is going to be right as rain in no time. 

THE MRS:
(Through tears) Rain in no time.

SULLY:
Now doesn’t that sound nice? Don’t you worry about a thing. I can assure you that Me and Quincy...

QUINCY:
Quincy and I sir. 

SULLY:
Quincy and I will get to the bottom of this endless well of a mystery no matter what the cost. Within reason obviously, the department isn’t made of money. 

THE MRS:
Thank you detective. 

(Sully gives Quincy a look that cues their departure.)

CUT to entryway. Quincy opens the door for Sully, and white sunlight floods the frame. 

QUINCY:
(Whispering) Another one for the Pussy Files eh doc?

SULLY:
Shut the f--k up Quincy.

(Sully walks out, followed closely by his partner.)

CUT to EXT. We see a side view of the front porch. There is a two person swing and an empty birdcage. Sully and Quincy walk down the steps. Their patrol car is parked right out front, and laying on the ground next to it is a decapitated statue of St. Francis. As Sully makes his way around to the driver’s side, Quincy picks up the statue, and sets it back up with the head in place. Neither of them mention it. 

CUT to dashboard view of the patrol car. Sully is taking a long drag from a to-go cup. The label on the cup says: Green Sleeves. Quincy struggles with his seatbelt, and Sully sets down the cup. Sully grabs a maple doughnut out of the center console and takes his sweet time shoving the whole thing in his mouth at once.   

QUINCY:
How long do we have to wait before we tell her it was just a laser pointer?

(Sully looks over as he is chewing.)

QUINCY:
Well?

(Sully swallows finally and takes another drag on his coffee.)

QUINCY:
Well?

SULLY:
(Satisfied) Ah! That’s top shelf stuff. 

QUINCY:
Well?

SULLY:
That’s a deep subject Quincy.

QUINCY:
I’m waiting for an answer here Jack. How long are we going to wait? Come back in a few days and tell her we figured it out?

(Sully stares pensively out the window.)

SULLY:
That’s just it Quincy. It’s what’s got me riled up and eatin’ lots of breakfast pastries on this case. It mystifies me to no end. 

QUINCY:
What do you mean...?

SULLY:
I mean there wasn’t a goddam laser pointer in that entire house Quincy. Or outside in any reasonably close vicinity.  

QUINCY:
And you know this for sure? How? Where is the evidence?

SULLY:
I have no evidence. It’s just a hunch, but a real cannonball burrito in the stomach type hunch. For one thing, you need a license to carry a laser in this county. It’s a rigorous application process. Background checks, extreme vetting, and you are put on the no fly list at the Mistyville AeroPort. If there’s one thing I know about The Mrs., it’s that she would never give up the privilege of flight. She loves it too damn much. No laser pointer is worth that sacrifice. 

QUINCY:
Is it possible that the laser came from the outside?

SULLY:
Absolutely not. I used my keen observation skills to look around the room while The Mrs. was talking. Turns out she blocks out all of her windows with tin foil. 

QUINCY:
Damn. How could I have missed that?

SULLY:
Because Quincy, you’re a total dumbass. 

QUINCY:
That hurts, but you’re right. What’s our next move? 

SULLY:
No, it’s not. Our next move is to canvass the downtown area for clues, starting with Louise. I want to know who has purchased a laser pointer in the last week, and I want to know if any of those people were suspicious in any way. 

(Quincy flips on the siren and the lights.)

QUINCY:
Let’s do this...

{Fast Paced Music Begins}

(Sully shifts into first gear and pops the clutch.)

CUT to EXT. We see the patrol car in the driveway from a distance. It lurches forward and then stops. Camera zooms out slowly. 

SULLY:
Son of a...

QUINCY:

I told you, this would never happen in a driverless patrol car. 

(Sully starts the car back up again, and this time succeeds.)

We see the patrol car burn out and the tail whips around, knocking over the St. Francis statue again. The detective pays it no regard, and flies down the driveway at breakneck speed. They slide to a stop a few seconds later because there is a gate at the end of the drive. Quincy gets out and opens it. Sully blasts through with another burn out. Quincy gets back in the car, and for a third time Sully drops it into gear and speeds off. 

{Music plays as they fly down the road and disappear in the trees}

End Scene.

-------------

EXT. Transitional footage of Mistyville High. Ambient crowd noise. 

CUT to a long shot of a hallway filled with lockers and teenagers. Marty and Nils are standing in the middle playing some sort of game that resembles Rock, Paper, Scissors. When it’s concluded Marty celebrates.  

MARTY:
Yet again I reign victorious!

NILS:
Dammit. Why do I always pick Fire when you pick Water?

MARTY:
Don’t question destiny Nils. 

NILS:
Whatever, I still think I should be the one who gets the record. 

MARTY:
That’s the whole point of playing the game. Respect the rules. 

NILS:
Fine, but I get greens. 

MARTY:
Deal. But you only get to listen to it once before I give it to her. Stacy hates it when I give her records that have been played too many times.

NILS:
What does that matter? You can’t even tell. 

MARTY:
She can. Says she can sense the sluttiness. 

NILS:
Ugh. My sister is a freak.

(Marty holds up his hands and starts backing away.)

MARTY:
You said it, not me. 

(Nils shakes his head.)

NILS:
After first period lets have a Joint Task Force meeting huh?

MARTY:
Word. I’ll supply the cheese balls. 

(Marty and Nils go their separate ways.)

In the distance we see Luna walking into a classroom. Marty notices, and takes off after her. CUT to a shot of the doorway leading into the classroom. Luna is inside setting down her stuff in the front row, including the RHM record. Marty skids into the frame, and tries to enter. He is suddenly blocked by an extremely tall and skinny man [FREDWARD]. The man takes off his bifocals. 

FREDWARD:
And exactly what do you think you’re doing?

MARTY:
I need to talk to Luna. Class hasn’t started yet. 

FREDWARD:
It’s going to start in three minutes. And I happen to know that you’re first class is much further away than that Mr. Marigold. 

MARTY:
Seriously it’ll just take a second. 

FREDWARD:
If you’re going to flip that poor girl off and then run away I can’t allow it. And I won’t buy that age old excuse all you kids give of it being the ‘only sign language that you know,’ because that’s simply not true. You could wave at her. Like this...

(Fredward smiles and waves.)

FREDWARD:
You could give her a thumbs up...

(Fredward gives an emphatic thumbs up.)

FREDWARD:
You could flash the peace sign...

(Fredward looks up and second guesses himself. He shakes his head.)

FREDWARD:
Don’t do that. You could give her the okay sign...

(Fredward holds up the okay sign.)

FREDWARD:
You could even blow her a kiss. But I would refrain from that unless you actually have romantic tinglings for her in your extremities. Are we understanding each other?

CUT to an angle from inside the classroom. We see Marty in the doorway with Fredward. His eyes are wide and he is leaning back. Luna is in the frame as well, and we see her hold up her middle finger in Marty’s direction. 

CUT to previous shot from the hallway. 

MARTY:
With all due respect Mr. Lars, I don’t think Luna cares if I flip her off. 

FREDWARD:
(Concerned) How dare you say that. 

MARTY:
She’s doing it to me right now!

(Fredward turns to look. Luna instantly puts her finger down and smiles. She blows Marty a kiss, only to catch it up again in midair and throw it away.)

FREDWARD:
Apparently you are not just a bully, but you’re also a liar. Get out of my classroom! 

MARTY:
(Whispering) You clever handicapped genius...

(Luna sticks her tongue out at Marty when Fredward isn’t looking.)

CUT to a long shot of the hallway. The door slams shut in Marty’s face, and he is left alone in the hallway. Frustrated, he heads in the direction of his class. 

CUT to side view of Marty walking down the hall. Camera tracks along with him. In the background are the windows that look out into the courtyard. Marty puts on headphones and starts jamming to some tunes. He passes by one window, then a series of lockers, then another window, more lockers, and finally, a third window which reveals the Meatloaf figure from earlier. He is in the courtyard re-painting one of the tables.

MARTY:
(Singing obliviously) Hey Mr. Robinson, Jesus knows way more than you could know A-wo-o-oh...

(Marty stops.)

{Extended low note strikes.}

Marty turns to his right and looks through the window. He sees the Meatloaf figure and becomes tense. He ducks below the windowsill and does the sign of the cross. 

MARTY:
It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be...Okay. 

After a few seconds of building up his confidence, Marty tries to look through the window without being seen. He is shocked when he finds that the Meatloaf figure is staring straight in his direction. 

{High pitched note rings out}

Marty freaks and hides against the wall once more. The Meatloaf figure begins walking towards the window very slowly. The closer he gets, the more Marty fidgets. Eventually he is standing right in the window, and Marty tries to make himself as invisible as possible by pressing up even closer to the wall. 

{Music changes to sinister mood. Lots of distortion.}

The Meatloaf figure seems to take no notice of Marty, and begins to paint the trim around the window. Marty doesn’t move a muscle at first. Then he starts to inch away with his fingers. After a few seconds, he is free, and he crawls briskly out of the frame. 

End Scene.

-------------

EXT. Mistyville Police Department B-Roll. 

CUT to INT. Large office space setting. Sully is at his desk, which is covered in paperwork, to-go cups, and half empty doughnut boxes. There are five or six other desks in the frame, all of which are in a similar state, and facing the same direction. In the background we see what appears to be an interrogation room. In this room is a woman and two officers. One of which is holding a camera, and the other is leaning down by the woman. Clearly the man is screaming, but due to the nature of the room, we hear nothing but silence and the sound of Sully chewing on a doughnut. Sully is paying no attention to what is going on. He is too busy looking through a stack of photographs. As time goes on, we see the screaming officer in the interrogation room start to get even more extreme. He grabs the woman by the shoulders, shakes her, and tips her chair backwards. Once she is presumably on the floor, the officer takes a long taser and uses it on her repeatedly. He reaches down, pulls the woman up, and throws her against the wall. He forcibly puts handcuffs on her, and walks her toward the door. The door opens, and we see the disheveled woman being lead out by the officer. Once she is out completely, the officer removes the handcuffs that he just put on her, and sends her on her way. The second officer, the one with the camera, comes walking out of the room. We see that it was Quincy. Quincy exchanges a few mumbled words with the other officer, and then makes his way over to Sully.    

(Quincy puts his hands on his belt, and coughs to get Sully’s attention.)

QUINCY:
I just spoke with Louise Schroder. You might be interested to hear what we found out. 

(Sully sets the photos aside and looks up at Quincy.)

SULLY:
That was her?

(Sully points towards the interrogation room.)

QUINCY:
Um...

(Quincy turns and thinks for a second.)

QUINCY:
No, actually that was a woman who was caught trying to use a meat grinder to hide the body of her dead husband. 

(Sully winces and rubs his temples.)

SULLY:
(Sickened) Will there be a conviction?

QUINCY:
Unfortunately it’s not so cut and dry. She claims that she woke up in the middle of the night to find him suffocating their newborn child. At which point she threw him against the bedroom window. The window broke, punctured an artery, and he bled out in a matter of minutes. 

SULLY:
(Distressed) And what about the kid?

QUINCY:
The kid is fine. They put him into protective custody. What’s interesting is that the mother has no official record of being married, and the kid was actually adopted, so we are considering the possibility that she made it all up. 

SULLY:
Where does she live?

(Sully begins to sweat.)

QUINCY:
Well, I don’t know for sure. I think it’s set in Topanga. 

(Sully’s mood shifts.)

SULLY:
Set in Topanga? What are you talking about?

QUINCY:
Oh! I’m sorry. It’s for a television series. MVN is doing a found footage crime drama instead of the daily news. Real juicy stuff. I should’ve mentioned that first. 

SULLY:
Um..Yea. I’m sittin’ here thinking we’ve got a cold blooded killer in our midst. I’m  about ready to shoot myself because the world is gone to hell, and you’re talking about a television series. I can’t believe you’re a part of that trash. That’s why I’ll never own a television as long as I live. Portals for evil, that’s what they really are. Jesus.

QUINCY:
Loves you!

(Quincy snaps his fingers, winks, and points at Sully.)

SULLY:

What about our real case?

QUINCY:
That’s what I was getting to. Louise Schroder, she owns that store downtown, Be a Baller for a Dollar. 

SULLY:
I know who Louise is. My daughter babysits for her. 

QUINCY:
That might not be the best term to use after what I just told you.

SULLY:
Quince. 

QUINCY:
Anyway, Louise says she hasn’t sold a laser pointer in over a month. And the one time she did, it was purchased by a good for nothin drifter who was very suspicious. 

SULLY:
So your sayin’ this is our guy. The Drifter. That gives me the chills Quincy. 

QUINCY:
I know, see that’s what I thought too. Then I had a revelation. It can’t be the drifter, because drifters are characteristically people who don’t ever stay in one place. Which means he would’ve left town, and the laser pointer would’ve gone with him. 

SULLY:
My god Quincy, you’re brilliant. So where does that leave us?

QUINCY:
It leaves us with nothing. 

SULLY:
Where are we in terms of records? Have you checked to see who else in this town is licensed to own a laser pointer?

QUINCY:
I have. Turns out there are three. One of them is Hucklebee Duckers down at Harry’s Hardhats for Hardworking Hardasses. But we checked him out, and it turns out that the batteries were so old in that thing that they had too much residue on them to function. So it couldn’t have been him. The second is Keef Richards.

SULLY:
THE Keef Richards? 

QUINCY:
No, different Keef. He’s Pastor Dick’s long lost cousin who recently moved here from North Alaska. 

SULLY:
What’s his excuse?

QUINCY:
I’m not sure. Didn’t like the cold I guess. 

SULLY:
In terms of the laser pointer Quincy, keep up. 

QUINCY:
Right. He cryptically said, and I quote, “I’ve totally lost it.”

SULLY:
Great. So it wasn’t him. Who’s our third suspect?

QUINCY:
Our third suspect is Rupert Flowers, the owner of Elevator to Eleven.

(Sully appears to reach a conclusion.)

QUINCY:
Do you know something I don’t know?

SULLY:
No Quincy, but I did make a connection that you didn’t. Perhaps it’s no coincidence that I asked you for the records, and you gave me the name of a man who owns a record shop. It’s uncanny. 

QUINCY:
That is very uncanny.

{Mysterious music begins.}

CUT to a shot of Quincy and Sully looking out of a window. The camera zooms in slowly towards the window.

SULLY & QUINCY:
(Whispering) Very uncanny. 

End Scene. 

-------------

ACT THREE

EXT. B-Roll of Mistyville High, including the Senior Parking Lot sign.

CUT to Marty and Nils sitting on the tailgate of a black pickup truck. Both have their own bread roll filled with melted cheese. After a moment, Marty sets his down on the tailgate and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a bag of marijuana and starts rolling a joint. 

NILS:
Any progress with Luna?

MARTY:
There would have been if it weren’t for Mr. Lars. What about you?

NILS:
Nah. I saw her walking with Connie while I was running, but...

MARTY:
In P.E.?

NILS:
No, I was running for fun. Yes in P.E.  

MARTY:
Did you yell at her?

NILS:
No...

MARTY:
You did didn’t you? 

NILS:
Okay so I forgot she was deaf. Sue me. 

MARTY:
I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure that phrase has been used unintentionally in a court of law.

NILS:
Are you done with that? This meeting has been in session for over a minute. 

(Marty licks the joint paper and rolls it up.)

MARTY:
Here, happy. 

NILS:
Yes. 

PAN left. An elderly woman in a station wagon pulls into the parking lot with her hazard lights on. She drives up to Marty and Nils and rolls down her window. 

WOMAN:
Am I in the right place?

MARTY:
Nope. 

The woman puts the car in reverse, and painstakingly makes a 10 point turn in order to exit the parking lot. Meanwhile, Marty and Nils start smoking the joint. 

MARTY:
You know, you’d think the old people would be the first to buy self driving cars. Yet they are the only ones who still drive.

NILS:
They’re afraid of them.

MARTY:
I’d hate to think of where nature naturally selected to put them. 

NILS:
Naturally. You read that article about how all vehicles are going to be required to have twelve inch subwoofers by August this year? 

MARTY:
I thought that didn’t go through. It didn’t get enough votes. 

NILS:
As if that matters. The POTUS said that votes are nothing more than a personal opinion. And we all know what he thinks about those...

MARTY & NILS:
“My fellow Americans, I don’t give a f--k about your opinion.”

(The boys laugh.)

MARTY:
Who knew you could just walk into the white house and become president?

NILS:
Everyone knows that. 

MARTY:
Not everyone. 

NILS:
Everyone that pays attention in history class. They passed it in 2017. That’s how McDonald won, don’t you remember? 

MARTY:
No. I was twelve. 

NILS:
The 28th amendment clearly states, “Whosoever getteth his or her ass to the podium first on inauguration day wins. No take backs.”  

MARTY:
You’re kidding. That’s not true. 

NILS:
It is. Look it up. In the end it was perfect timing because Hitlary wasn’t even aware of the ruling. If she was I bet things would’ve turned out quite a bit differently.  

MARTY:
You really think Hitlary would’ve won the race? Hitlary Rodiron Kitten. 

(Marty hops off the tailgate.)

MARTY:
Let me explain to you how it would’ve gone down. 

NILS:
Please do.

(As Marty gets ready for his performance, a member of Campus Security is seen walking towards them in the distance.)

MARTY:
First of all, McDonald wouldn’t have just ran there, he would’ve taken a helicopter. He would’ve flown in while laying down heavy fire, and scared the living shit out of everyone. Meanwhile, Hillary would’ve been sleeping in a tent behind the stage as a political stunt to garner respect for the homeless, a. k. a. Herself. Then, when she awoke to the sound of gunfire, groggy as she may be, she would’ve plugged her phone into the speaker system and turned up some Kesha. Then, just as she started making for the stage, McDonald would’ve run up from behind her, grabbed her by the...

(The security guard walks up right as Marty is about to finish his sentence.)

SECURITY GUARD:
You boys aren’t smokin’ tobacco are ya?

NILS:
No ma’am. Just pot. 

SECURITY GUARD:
Marijuana?

NILS:
Yes. 

SECURITY GUARD:
Okay. Just lookin’ out. Cuz you know how it is. 

MARTY:
Tobacco can literally kill you. 

SECURITY GUARD:
That’s my boy. Carry on. You got ten more minutes til break is over. Burn it up.

(The security guard walks away casually.)

MARTY:
Where was I?

(Nils tries to think, but he can’t because he is laughing too hard.)

MARTY:
More importantly, where am I?

(Marty happily points a finger at Nils.)

NILS: Mistyville, Jefferson bitches. 

(Nils coughs and hands Marty the joint.)

CUT to INT. A crowded hallway inside the school. No sound whatsoever.

We see Luna from a distance. She is sitting on a bench alone playing air drums while everyone around is formed into circles and talking amongst themselves. She has the RHM record next to her, and she is wearing her headphones. She reaches the climax of the song, and crashes the imaginary cymbals one last time. People are walking in and out of the frame, so we lose sight of her every once in a while. We then see Luna pick up the record and take it out of its sleeve. Hidden inside is a piece of blue and pink tiger-striped paper. She tears off a perfectly square piece, and puts it on her tongue. We see that she is trying to hide a smile, but eventually she laughs. Suddenly everyone starts to break away from their groups. Luna looks up as if she can see that the bell has just rung. She grabs her messenger bag, stuffs the record into it, and walks away from the bench. 

CUT to EXT. Marty and Nils walking towards the double doors that lead into the school. 

MARTY:
I just don’t see the point in even thinking about that. If things like that really happen, then everything is a lie and the only thing that matters is the part you play in that lie. 

NILS:
So you’d rather be left completely in the dark?

MARTY:
Well yea, lots of people say, “Oh I’d much rather know the terrible truth than live a beautiful lie,” but I say that’s total bull. I just wanna live where I live, go places, maybe i'll do things, eat dinner, go to the movies. To paraphrase Zeppelin I just wanna smoke and drink.   

NILS:
They never said that. Basically you want the rest of the world to leave you alone?

MARTY:
Exactly. Full on bearded mountain man. Like my uncle Harry. 

NILS:
Your uncle Harry doesn’t have a beard. 

MARTY:
He’s growing it out, it takes him a long time, he doesn’t have the beard growing gene like most...

NILS:
I don’t buy it. You’re not even the least bit curious what’s out there?

(The boys approach the doors and walk inside.)

CUT to INT. Camera faces the boys as they walk down the hallway.

MARTY:
Well I don’t know. Sure, if there was a list of curious people, I would still be on it, but I would definitely be one of the lowest on the list. 

NILS:
There is a list. According to my dad anyway. 

MARTY:
Your dad is a crackpot. He actually smokes weed called Green Crack. 

NILS:
Yet he’s still the one who put together Lookfar Mountain and the crime scene photos. I mean, he’s not wrong is what I’m saying. The guys who played the cops put their badges on both sides of their uniforms, they all wore different hats, and if we’re being completely honest, Pora Lalmer looked more dead than the victim. 

MARTY:
Who’s Pora Lalmer?

NILS:
Are you kidding?

MARTY:
Never mind. I don’t care. First of all, it’s Lookout Mountain. And there is no conclusive proof that MVN has any ties to them whatsoever. That was about filming nuclear explosions. Most people are fully aware of the fact that MVN’s version is just a really complicated TV movie. 

NILS:
Most people here maybe. But that’s just because we know about it. And, Hey! You can’t say you’re not curious and then name-check me like that you pathological liar. 

MARTY:
That’s exactly the problem dude! If everyone here knows it’s fake, then eventually everyone else will too. You can’t keep that big of a secret. It’s just not possible with the internet. 

NILS:
Unless everyone who hears about it also believes that we are a bunch of crazed hillbillies with tin foil hats on our heads. They’d write it off as a conspiracy. It’s the bio-bots all over again!

MARTY:
Aaaand we’ve come full circle. You know Nils, we get way too philosophical when we smoke. Maybe we should stop. I don’t like circular conversations. 

(Marty and Nils stop in the middle of the hallway for a second, and look at each other. After a few seconds they smile.)

NILS:
We’re not gonna quit.

MARTY:
No, I love smoking. 

NILS:
Yea me too. 

MARTY:
That was a stupid thing I said. 

CUT to a shot of an adjacent hall. Marty and Nils are still in the frame, but we see them from the side. Walking down the hall is an athletic young man [LINDSAY] in a letterman jacket. He approaches the boys. 

LINDSAY:
Waddup ya’ll bag-a-dicks!

(Marty turns to face Lindsay.)

MARTY:
Sorry, who exactly are you referring to?

LINDSAY:
Y’all. 

(Nils turns.)

NILS:
I think that’s the part that threw me off too. 

MARTY:
Are you saying I’m a bag of dicks, or that he is?

(Marty points to Nils.)

LINDSAY:
I’m saying that you all...ya’ll...are a bag of dicks. 

MARTY:
Each of us individually or...

NILS:
Right, like one bag, or two separate, distinctly independent bags of...

MARTY:
What we’re saying Lindsay, is that it doesn’t make any sense. Literally, metaphorically, symbolically, ecumenically....

LINDSAY:
(Frustrated) I’m calling you fags. My god. 

(Marty and Nils say two different things at the same time.)

MARTY: I would take pride in that title!     NILS: Don’t you ever call me that!

(Marty and Nils look at each other.)

MARTY:
That was weird. 

NILS:
I think we both said the same thing. Right?

MARTY:
Depends on how you hear it. 

(Lindsay rolls his eyes.)

LINDSAY:
Enough with the act. I’m here to help you. Albeit in secret because I don’t want anyone to know.

MARTY:
That’s a good reason to keep something a secret.

(Nils steps on Marty’s toe.)

LINDSAY:
I heard you guys are trying to steal something from the deaf chick. 

NILS:
Her name is Luna. 

LINDSAY:
Whatever, I...

MARTY:
Who told you that?

LINDSAY:
Frank... 

NILS:
Oh shit. 

LINDSAY:
Yea. So do you want my help, or not?

(Marty and Nils silently consult each other.)

MARTY:
We want your help. 

LINDSAY:
Good. Now the deaf chick...

MARTY:
Luna.

LINDSAY:
She has P.E. with Ashley right now. You know, my bangin’ girlfriend. And she says that she’ll slip the combination to her locker under the door before they go out for a run. 

MARTY:
What’s in it for you?

LINDSAY:
Well, I’m glad you asked. I wanna upgrade the keg at Stacy’s party to Telluride High Country Brew instead of Rolling Rock, but I don’t wanna pay for it. Also, I think Ashley should be invited. It’s ridiculous that Stacy won’t invite her because she thinks Ashley has a boner for her. It’s homophobic and I won’t stand for it.

NILS:
Says the guy who called us fags.  

LINDSAY:
Still true. 

NILS:
That’s true. Wait...

MARTY:
Stacy doesn’t think she has a crush on her. She thinks I have a crush on her. 

(Lindsay gets up in Marty’s face.)

LINDSAY:
She thinks WHAT!?

NILS:
Calm down boys. 

MARTY:
Hey! She was the one who decided to do a body shot at G’s party. I saw it happen. What am I supposed to say, “Oh wow her boobs are so ugly I hate them?” It’s just not true. 

LINDSAY:
You’re not supposed to say anything. You keep it to yourself and the privacy of your own head.

MARTY:
No! Do you realize what you just said? Creep. 

NILS:
I like it better when a girl is wearing a shirt. 

(Marty turns to Nils.)

MARTY:
Yea well your a f--kin....Shut up.   

NILS:
It can be a personal expression through cut and color and...well without clothes you’re just a normal human being with normal human being parts that look exactly...

LINDSAY & MARTY:
Shut up Nils. 

NILS:
Geese. Third Degree. 

MARTY:
Fact of the matter is Linds, I happened to see your girlfriends boobs, and I happened to comment on them at the time. So what? Feelings are completely irrelevant in a situation like that. Otherwise everybody at Western Woods Bible Camp would have feelings for you. 

LINDSAY:
Those kids don’t know how to party. And the water in the lake was freezing I’ll have you know.

NILS:
The bell’s about to ring. Can we stop this charade and get down to business? 

(Lindsay and Marty brush themselves off and step away from one another.)

MARTY:
Fine. 

NILS:
Good. So about the operation. 

MARTY:
Wait, first we have to agree to a deal. Ashley gets to go to the party, because we all know that’s what this is really about. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get enough money to upgrade the keg since you tried to sweeten the deal for yourself. I can’t make any more promises than that. 

LINDSAY:
Deal. Ashley will slide the combination under the door, and the girls will be gone for twenty minutes. I’ll try and stall Mrs. O’Reilly for as long as possible.

MARTY:
How do you plan on that?

LINDSAY:
I don’t know, I’ll say I saw you talking to the Vice Principle or something. 

NILS:
I’d be careful with that. We don’t need another installment of the Ruined Toupee Removal Debacle of Spring 2022.   

MARTY:
True. Maybe tell her I’m having troubles in the men’s room. 

LINDSAY:
Like your not feeling well cuz it’s your time of the month or something, right.

MARTY:
Men don’t have those. 

LINDSAY:
Speak for yourself. 

(Marty and Nils share a glance.)

MARTY:
Just say I got my shirt stuck in my zipper. That’s a perfectly plausible circumstance. 

LINDSAY:
That’s a little embarrassing don’t you think?

MARTY:
I’d rather be embarrassed than found out. 

NILS:
That’s true. 

LINDSAY:
That’s true. 

MARTY:
So we’re good?

LINDSAY:
Yea we’re good. I’ll message Ashley. Later shlob gobblers. 

(Lindsay takes off down the hall.)

CUT to shot facing Nils and Marty. Upper bodies in the frame only. 

NILS:
That was long winded to say the least. 

MARTY:
Hey...Did you get the feeling that Lindsay might actually be a...

NILS:
A what?

MARTY:
You know, that Lindsay might actually be a girl. 

NILS:
Why cuz of the bathroom thing? I don’t think it’s definitive.

MARTY:
Of course it’s definitive. You have to have the right stuff. 

NILS:
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a man to have a period.  

MARTY:
No it’s not!

NILS:
Yes it is. 

MARTY:
Are you listening to yourself? That is literally how we’ve determined that dichotomy for millions of years. 

NILS:
No it isn’t.

MARTY:

Yes it is!

NILS:
Anyone can play a boy, and anyone can play a girl. That’s if you believe that there is such a thing in the first place. Look at Shakespeare, or Peter Pan.  

MARTY:
I hate words. 

NILS:
I guess we could ask everyone at Western Woods Bible Camp what they saw. 

(The bell rings.)

NILS:
Shit, that’s our cue. Let’s go wait outside the girl’s locker room. 

(Marty covers his eyes and shakes his head.)

NILS:
C’mon!

Marty and Nils run towards the double doors through which they entered. Camera remains in place and the shot fades out a few seconds after they are out of the frame. 

End Scene

-------------

EXT. B-Roll of Elevator to 11. The storefront. Shelves full of records. Posters on the walls. 

CUT to side view of the front desk with the cash register and Rupert sitting there. Sully and Quincy are standing there as well, and both of them have notepads. 

SULLY:
Me and Quincy need to...

QUINCY:
Quincy and I.

SULLY:
Quincy and I need to ask you some questions. That’s why we are here. 

RUPERT:
(Mumbling.) Mm..yea sure..I don’t know...cool...whatever. 

SULLY:
Have you been checking in with your parole officer Rupert?

RUPERT:
Awesome...no. Definitely, for sure. Yep. Mmhmm. 

(Quincy leans in.)

QUINCY:
He has?

SULLY:
Rupert are you aware that your Parole officer is in this room as we speak?

RUPERT:
Totally. Totally cool man. 

(Quincy leans in.)

QUINCY:
He is? 

SULLY:
I get it Quincy, your confused. Back off, I’m interrogating a suspect. 

QUINCY:
Yes sir, sorry sir. 

SULLY:
Kiss-ass.....So, Rupert. Do you need glasses, hearing aides, or possibly to spend less time smoking the reefer?

RUPERT:
Um...Yea nope. Black market, I’m done. 

SULLY:
Rupert, do you ever feel as though you are wasting your life away? Or as if time is slowly slipping by like a hand full of sand. Almost as if time is the sand, and you can’t seem to get a good hold of it?

QUINCY:
Sir I don’t think this has any relevance to the...

SULLY:
Shhh...

RUPERT:
Of course. Sometimes man yea. 

SULLY:
Rupert, do you often wake up in the morning and wonder why you bothered to wake up at all? Especially considering that you were most likely doing something way more interesting in your dreams like, for example, flying over the himalayas, exploring the innermost depths of a black hole, or otherwise sitting on a rock spending time with a lost friend that you don’t know anymore in a sunlit forest decorated with pure happiness?

RUPERT:
(Serious) Wow man. I’m the balloon, you’re the helium, and that thought is a needle. Pow!

SULLY:
Quincy, would you mind taking a look at the record of people who have sold something to this establishment?

QUINCY:
Absolutely, will do. 

SULLY:
Top drawer on the left. 

QUINCY:
Sure thing doc. 

(Quincy starts looking through the desk and examining papers while Sully carries on.)

SULLY:
Rupert, have you ever stared up at the moon or the stars in the sky and felt the crippling insignificance of your minuscule little life? Or possibly wondered how you could’ve become a conscious entity that was capable of observing it in the first place?

RUPERT:
Hmm. Mirrors. Nope. Bad Mojo. 

(Sully takes his sweet time writing something down in his notes.)

SULLY:
Rupert, have you ever tried to make contact with something that is beyond your immediately observable universe? Perhaps by sending a signal, beacon, or any other means of communication into the cosmos?

RUPERT:
Rad. I mean, why not?

SULLY:
Right. When was the last time you attempted to do this?

RUPERT:
Is it possible to answer that question?

SULLY:
Do you believe it’s possible to not answer that question?

RUPERT:
Do you believe its impossible not to answer that question?

SULLY:
More importantly, do you believe it is not impossible to answer that question?

RUPERT:
Impossible. Possibly. 

(Sully writes in his notes again. Quincy puts some paperwork back in the desk.)

SULLY:
Well Rupert. That’s all for today, thank you very much. Carry on. 

RUPERT:
Awesome...yep. Alright man, cool. Beans man. Cool beans. 

(Sully and Quincy wave and walk away.)

CUT to EXT. Camera situated on far side of the street. We see Sully and Quincy get in their parol car. 

CUT to INT. Dashboard view of the two officers. 

QUINCY:
That guy is....Boof. A real moonface.  

SULLY:
Don’t be so quick to judge Quincy. We are not judges. Judge Penalton is the judge. 

QUINCY:
You can’t seriously expect me to think you got something out of that.

SULLY:
I’ve got all I need Quincy. I’m Sully Clearwater, you should know that by now. 

QUINCY:
Was he speaking in code or something? I don’t understand. 

(Mysterious music begins in the background. Low volume.)

SULLY:
It’s not a code. I’ve known him since he was a teenager. You learn to interpret those who are close to you. Words can be placeholders for things of much greater significance. You might think that we were discussing the existential pangs of the universal birthing process in which we all find ourselves and struggle with until death sweeps its wide and unfair broom under our metaphysical carpet. But no. Actually we were discussing something of much greater significance. 

QUINCY:
And that was?

SULLY:
I learned that there was a man who came into the store, and left one thing there for free, and sold something else for money. I learned that the second thing was a record, and that it is in the hands of one Luna Mar-Lane. The first thing was a laser pointer, and between those two things, we will find the answers we are looking for. 

QUINCY:
What does the record have to do with any of this?

SULLY:
That’s just it Quincy. We thought that the drifter was out of the picture. But he is not. 

QUINCY:
(Curiously) You don’t mean...

SULLY:
I mean that the man who left those two things here and the drifter are one in the same. 

QUINCY:
My god Sully. You’re brilliant. 

SULLY:
I know. He may have left town, but we can’t escape him. He has left his mark. I am now convinced that if we find this record, we will find the identity of our drifter through clever investigative techniques we learned in the academy. And if executed properly, those investigative techniques will lead us straight to the conclusion of our case.  

QUINCY:
We’ll finally figure out how the drifter got the flying orb into the house of The Mrs. 

SULLY:
Precisely. Now, I know Luna. She is the little sister of the cousin of the son of the woman my daughter babysits for. Which, naturally means that I know she is about to start second period with Ms. Weiner.

QUINCY:
The Physical Education teacher?

SULLY:
We’ve got to get to her as soon as possible. No doubt Luna will have the record in her locker. We’ll use Ms. Weiner to gain access.  

QUINCY:
With Luna’s permission of course. 

SULLY:
Of course Quincy. It’s against protocol but I don’t care. She deserves to know that she is at the center of a town wide conspiritual event.

QUINCY:
Conspiritual?

SULLY:
Put it together Quincy. Flip on the lights. Let’s get her. 

(Quincy flips on the lights and the siren.)

{Pursuit music begins.}

CUT to EXT. Long view of the street. The patrol car zooms forward and takes an immediate and unnecessarily dramatic left turn. 

{Music dies out.}

End Scene.

-------------

INT. Mistyville High Gymnasium B-Roll. Kids walking into locker room. Conversation noise.

{Positive mood music begins.}

CUT to row of lockers. Most people are already in uniform. One girl [ASHLEY] is tying her shoes in front of an open locker. On the other side is Luna. Ashley uses a compact mirror to watch Luna put in the combination. When she’s through Ashley writes it down on a scrap of paper, and folds that paper into a triangle, and tucks it behind her ear. Ashley stands up and walks away from the camera. She meets up with a friend of hers [BRIT], and they start talking. 

CUT to a side view of Luna’s face and shoulders. She starts the process of getting into uniform. Out of focus in the background are the two other girls, Ashley and Brit. Camera remains fixed on Luna’s facial expression.  

ASHLEY:
Lindsay says he can get me into Stacy’s party. 

BRIT:
No way, that’s awesome. Miles says they’re getting a real live band to play. 

ASHLEY:
People still do that?

BRIT:
Well you know Stacy. I think it’ll be fun. 

(Ashley leans forward.)

ASHLEY:
(Whispering) Luna...

BRIT:
What are you doing?

ASHLEY:
Seeing if she can hear us. Luna!

BRIT:
I heard she isn’t deaf at all she just really hates interacting with people, and talking to them. 

ASHLEY:
Somehow I doubt that. 

BRIT:
I don’t know. She was in my Alt. History class last year, and I swear she could hear everything Mr. Kennedy was saying. She answered questions and everything. In sign language, but still. 

ASHLEY:
Maybe she can read lips. 

BRIT:
I thought that was a myth? 

ASHLEY:
It’s not always accurate but people can do it. 

BRIT:

She’s so skinny. Do you think that’s part of it? Like is there a correlation between skinniness and deafness?

ASHLEY:
No. 

BRIT:
Have you ever seen an overweight deaf person?

ASHLEY:
Don’t say overweight. It’s offensive. 

BRIT:
Oops. Sorry. 

ASHLEY:
I’m sure. 

BRIT:
Why are we standing here again?

ASHLEY:
I have to wait until she’s gone and then I’m supposed to slip this note under her door.

BRIT:
What does the note say? Is it something mean? I don’t think we should be helping people be mean to her. I mean, we can talk now cuz she can’t hear us, but its different in a note because she could read it and know.

ASHLEY:
It’s her locker combination. 

BRIT:
Why would someone want you to put her locker combination into her own locker? Shouldn’t you put it in someone else’s? 

ASHLEY:
I didn’t ask why. Maybe someone wants her to know that they know it. 

BRIT:
I guess that does make sense. 

CUT to a view of the lockers from the opposing angle. We see that Luna is now dressed in uniform, and she is about to put her messenger bag in her locker. Ms.Weiner walks out of her office, which is partially visible in the frame. 

MS. WEINER:
Let’s go girls, time’s a wastin’....Brit I think you could cut that mile time down today. Yesterday was twelve seconds above average. Ashley don’t forget your implants. 

BRIT:
I hate it when she says implants. 

ASHLEY:
Me too. Never should’ve told her about my shin splints. Quick, duck behind here.

(Ashley and Brit hide behind the lockers.)

We see Luna look around to determine if she’s the last one in the room. She’s having trouble fitting her messenger bag into the locker because of the size of the vinyl record. Ashley and Brit remain hidden, and they stand there listening but not looking. Luna decides to take the record out and place it on top of the lockers, so she stands up on the bench in order to do so. Once she’s done she walks out of the room stretching her arms. 

CUT to shot of Luna’s locker taking up the whole frame. We hear Ashley and Brit talking but we don’t see them at first. 

ASHLEY:
I hope this works. 

BRIT:
Me too.  

(Girls pass through the frame and we see Ashley’s hand slide the note into the locker.)

BRIT:
Do you think they’re gonna have wine there? Cuz last time it was just beer and I got so sick. I think I might be turning into a gluten free person because like...

We hear the locker room door swing open, and Brit’s voice fades out. Camera remains fixed on luna’s locker. 

CUT to EXT. Locker room door taking up the frame. There is a white brick wall to the right and a row of bushes to the left. Ashley and Brit walk towards the camera until they are out of the frame. The locker room door is slowly closing. We see Marty pop his head out of the bushes, and Nils pop his head out from behind the wall. Marty stares at the girls for too long, but Nils is quick enough to grab the door before it closes entirely. 

MARTY:
Home stretch baby. Wooo! 

NILS:
Our hour of victory is nigh. She won’t even know we were here. 

(Marty looks down at the ground.)

MARTY:
Where’s the note with the combination? Do you see it anywhere?

(Nils looks too.)

NILS:
Hm. Maybe someone kicked it by accident. 

MARTY:
I don’t see it anywhere. 

NILS:
Maybe she left it inside, who knows. It’s gotta be somewhere. No way Ashley’d give up a chance at the party.  

MARTY:
Alright let’s go. The quicker we get this done the better. 

NILS:
That’s what she...

MARTY:
Don’t even think about it. 

(The boys go into the locker room.)

Door closes. We hear them bickering indistinctly. 

CUT to EXT. Senior Parking Lot sign. We see Sully and Quincy drive up in their patrol car. Extremely loud techno music is emanating from the vehicle. They park diagonally in two spaces. The music cuts out. 

CUT to close up of the driver’s side window. We see Sully and Quincy both drinking coffee at the same time. 

QUINCY:
This case is getting into my head Sully. I’ve never drank this much coffee. 

SULLY:
Push through it Quincy. The coffee will be your greatest ally. It will move you, shake you. It will speak to you in ways that you didn’t know you could be spoke to. 

QUINCY:
Spoken.

SULLY:
Spaken. 

QUINCY:
Speaked. 

SULLY:
Spoked.   

QUINCY:
In dutch: Spreckened.

SULLY:
This is nonsense. Lives are at stake Quincy.  

QUINCY:
Lives? You think people’s lives are in danger? I thought that...

SULLY:
I didn’t say they were in danger. I said they were at stake. There’s a difference. What’s the time Quincy? We’ve gotta act fast on this thing or else we won’t have another chance until tomorrow. And god knows that could be hours away by now...

QUINCY:
The time is exactly 9:03am sir. Class has just started. According to my calculations, if the kids are scheduled back in the gymnasium by nine thirty then we’ve only got twenty minutes. 

SULLY:
Right, give or take seven. Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin?

(Quincy and Sully both take long pulls on their coffee at the same time.)

SULLY & QUINCY:
Civilian clothes. 

CUT to a shot of the patrol car head on. We see the officers get out of the car. They both remove their badges, and throw them in the cab. Otherwise they remain completely unchanged. They look at each other briefly, and give each other a thumbs up. 

CUT to a headshot of Sully. SLOW zoom in for dramatic effect. 

{Inspirational music plays.}

SULLY:
Things could get totally insane in there Quincy. You may see things that can’t be unseen. We’ve got to go in there knowing full well that there could be women’s underthings, smelly socks, stagnant puddles of water, or worse....textbooks poised and ready to fall off the benches and stub our toes. But will we let it get to us? No. Because we alone are officers of the law. Under the veil of darkness, we ride into that dark night in search of the day’s light. Are you with me?

CUT to a shot of Quincy on the other side of the car. 

QUINCY:
You bet your doll assface. 

CUT back to Sully. He turns his head to the side. His profile is shadowed by his cowboy hat. 

SULLY:
Let’s kick this bitch’s door wide open, metaphorically speaking. 

(Music swells into a triumphant type of call to action.)

CUT to aerial view of the Senior Parking Lot. The track and field where the girls are running is off to the right, and the main campus is to the left. We watch Sully and Quincy walk confidently away from the lot and head for the locker room. 

{Music calms down.}

PAN UP AND RIGHT to the tree line. SLOW FLY-OVER of the evergreen forest. 

NARRATOR:

And so...for the first time in his life...Quincy went undercover. And thus...for the first time in this show...you realize there IS a narrator. Now, Sully knew what he expected to find in that locker room...but did he know to expect the unexpected? Would he remember that he was going to speak with Ms. Weiner before going in there? Or had he forgotten that he mentioned that earlier? Would Marty and Nils be discovered? And if so...would they be labeled as perverts and suffer the consequences? Or will something completely out of the blue occur that no one could’ve possibly predicted? We know. But you don’t. Now you are left to ponder these mysteries. Who is the guy who looks like Meatloaf? Does he have it out for Marty? Why does Lindsay have a girl’s name? IS Lindsay a girl’s name? Just exactly who is Frank? What the hell is wrong with Rupert? What is the deal with the cat chasing a laser? And what makes it such a big deal? We know that all of this mystery, and all of this intrigue is centered around one thing, a record by a band called Relatively Hot Moms. So join us next week as we answer that infinitely tantalizing and titilating question: But Why? 

{Theme Song Begins.}

FLY-OVER CONT.

{Twenty Seven seconds.}

ROTATE view of evergreen forest. Trees above and sky below. 

{Twenty Three seconds.}

FILTER in view of snowy forest. Increase opacity. Evergreen forest becomes the night sky, the clouds become the snowy forest. We are right side up again. 

NARRATOR:

Broadcasting to you live through a snowy mountain pass, I’m Blaze Bronson, and you are listening to this  *snaps fingers*

{Theme Song Ends.}

FADE to BLACK.

THE END.