The Farmer's Wife

Just moments ago I was in McManville, North Kansas looking at some pictures of a skillet being tossed across the sky. I know that starting off an on-site report about UFO/Alien encounters like that is a serious no-no—usually you'd want to drag it out so that the reader can get all excited before the crippling disappointment sets in—but out of respect for you guys I thought I would just get it out of the way. I'm back in Jefferson now, and as the portal cools down I'm left to ponder the insignificance of my findings. I went into this expedition with such high hopes. Really, I did. Would I have brought my black and white camera if I didn't expect big things? All the classic cases in UFO lore feature low quality photos, and I genuinely believed this would be my chance to become a permanent fixture in the archives of aerial phenomena.

That aside, I'm still going to tell you what I found out, because in some way I think this case brings a fresh perspective to previous sightings. When I first arrived in McManville, I asked for the nearest Dude Farm—yes that's a real surname—When I arrived at said farm I caught Jameson Dude and his son Klark hanging a tarp on the side of their barn. The faint smell of burnt wood was wafting about, and I got the distinct impression that they were trying to hide something. I immediately asked them why they needed to cover up the entire wall, and Klark's cheeks got rosy. “Gahead, tell 'em cha' gon' done boy," Jameson said. Klark Dude turned to me with a nervous expression. “My dad was trying to teach me how to brand the cows. But when I lunged forward on my first try, the hot iron slipped out of my hand and hit the wall instead of the horse." Naturally, I found this statement to be a bit odd. First of all, I may not be a farmer, but I know that there is no lunging involved in branding. Secondly, there were no cows anywhere in sight, and that if there were, the place would be called the Dude Ranch. Thirdly, Klark clearly had some short term memory issues because when the story started out, it was about a cow, and by the end of the excessively long narrative, it had somehow transformed into a horse. Either he was a nincompoop, or he was lying out his butt straight to my face. I suspect this burnt wall debacle will be on my mind for some time, because my ability to investigate it was cut short with the entrance of Marsha Dude, Jameson's wife. She was on the front porch of the house ringing a bell vigorously. Apparently it was time for breakfast. I was happy about this because I had forgotten to eat before I left, and portal jumping is a hungry business. We walked away from the barn, hopped over a patch of mud, and made our way onto the porch. Marsha brought out four plates of bacon and some maple syrup. Let me say that again, FOUR PLATES of bacon, and some maple syrup. Presumably for dipping. I'm a strict vegetarian, so I threw up a little bit and said no thank you. Marsha sat down with us, and apologized that she had't made enough for me to partake. “Gahead, tell 'em cha seen th'other day woman," Jameson said to her. She rolled her eyes and then gave it to me straight.

She said, “Not but two crows ago I stepped out to water the flowers. I often do. Hours later I was strolling cross the field when I gazed upon the face 'o the mountains and seen a flying saucer floatin' there 'bove the peak. I knew it weren't there for long, so I dug my heels and told Jameson to hussle out the damn house. By the time he gets there the darned thing'd done took off, and he don't believe me. He says, ‘Ain no flyin' saucer. Them's clouds.' But I knew what I seen. I tell Jameson he oughta sit out and wait til they come back. ‘Do it yer own self lady,' he says. Then I remind him who makes the bacon, and he does as I say. Told 'im, don't you come back til you seen 'em. Lo' an behold, he comes back in not five minutes later with a prime photo of them there aliens." Marsha proceeded to show me this picture here:       

In case you're new to UFO photos and you aren't sure what you're looking for, I'll make it a little more obvious. 

At first I was shocked. I held in my hand what appeared to be a genuinely unidentified flying object that the four of us were ready and willing to believe was of extra-terrestrial origin. I pondered the image, and thanked Marsha for sharing so candidly with a total stranger. She told me how happy she was to be a part of the truth brigade, and that she hoped her story would be of help to all the others out there who've had their worldview completely shattered by such sightings. I then heard a tea kettle start to whistle from the direction of the kitchen. Marsha heard it too. She got up, and left us alone so we could finish our bacon. That's when the real crux of the matter came to light. Jameson licked his fingers, wiped them on his jeans, and discreetly told me to follow him around the side of the house. Once we were hidden from sight, he said to me, “Now listen here asshat. Don chuggo gettin any idears. You an I both know this thing's a bait an' switch. Now..."

I interrupted him right there. “Are you saying that's not a real UFO?"

“Ya no duh ranger rick. Whatchu think I am, standin on'a corner of Dumbf--k 'n' Stupid? Ain no aliens round here. What're they gonna look at? The ground. HA! I know full well they's interested in you folk out in California cuz ya'll're such nutjobs."

“I'm from Jefferson actually."

“My case an' point jack."

“Okay, so what is it a picture of?"

“Well, I knew the wife was bein' crazy. Butchu don't ever tell her that do ya? I have a responsibility. I gotta keep the order roun' here. So I git my camera, a git some duck tape, I 'tach a torch to the bottom of a fryin' pan, an toss it up real hight like. Snap snap, an' boom you got y'self a UFO. Marsha thinks she ain loosin' her marbles, and everyone's happy. You git me?"

“And you want me to pass it off as a real thing?"

“Sure's sh-t." 

I told him that I couldn't lie to my readers in good conscience, and he immediately told me to, quote “Git yer fancy shoes 'n' your ass the hell outta here." I shook his hand, told him I was sorry, and showed myself off the property. Before opening the portal back to Jefferson I heard Marsha run out onto the porch and yell, “Wait we've got more photos!" But Jameson quickly sprung into action. He held her back and told her not to bother.

“He's a skeptic with no business bein' round here. Don waste yer time. We all know whatcha saw, and that’s what matters" he said.

And that brings us up to now. I'm left sitting alone in The Red Rainbow Lodge in Mistyville, Jefferson pondering whether or not Marsha saw anything at all in the first place. I'm also curious as to why Klark speaks so clearly while his parents stumble around the english language like a blind man in the woods. This story on its own might not seem like much, but it does beg the question: How many other UFO sightings have been labeled legitimate simply because some farmer didn't want his wife to think she was crazy? I can't say for certain how many, but based on the number of farmers that think craziness only applies to women, probably a lot. 

So don't be a Jameson Dude. Tell the truth. The world deserves to know what really happened to the side of the barn that day.  

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DANGERFIELD