Giant Expectations
SIGHTING - 1
GIANT EXPECTATIONS
Get ready for a wild one. Even I wasn't prepared for what I would run into when I set off to find Bigfoot once and for all. The portal dropped me off right in front of a huge redwood, and I accidentally hit my head pretty hard. The next few minutes were fuzzy, but I don't think I missed out on anything important so it isn't that big of a deal. I walked for what seemed like several yards, but it must've been miles because I was suddenly out of the redwoods and lost in an entirely different forest. Luckily I stumbled across a cabin that looked a lot like this one in Finland:
Mind you, I wasn't actually in Finland, I was in Oregon, but this is essentially what the cabin looked like. I'd show you the real picture but the people who were living in the cabin didn't want any outsiders to try and triangulate their location. I tried to tell them that anyone with an internet connection could just use satellite footage to find them instantaneously, but they didn't believe me. Said I was a crazed lunatic. I attempted to remedy the situation by asking if they could help me find Bigfoot. Immediately after hearing that word come out of my mouth they scurried back into their home and barred the doors. Literally I heard like six bars clang down. I was slightly offended, but I was still lost, so I politely knocked on the door again and asked which way lead to the nearest town. “That way," I heard them yell. I couldn't tell which way they were pointing, so I used my psychic intuition to make an educated guess. While waiting in silence for my powers to kick in, I heard a car honking its horn.
Down the hill a ways was the highway. I saw an empty car sitting in the middle of the road waiting for a deer to cross. Fortunately for me it was a RediCar. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with that term, a RediCar is a self-driving car that drives around all day giving people rides. It would be great if they were free, but even self driving cars still need to charge their batteries, so you have to pay them. Otherwise they get mad and eject you from your seat.) So I hopped in, ran my DogeX over the armrest, and off we went. A mere five doge and four hours later, we were on the outskirts of Portland. The car asked me where I was going specifcally, but I didn't have an answer, so I just told it to drop me off at the nearest Bigfoot Museum. Shortly after that I was standing in front of The Saskquatchetorium. In my excitement I forgot to tip the car. It got pissed and did a burn out before exiting the parking lot. I wasn't about to let its poor attitude ruin my trip, so I brushed it off and waltzed right inside. There was an exceptionally hairy man sitting at the front desk, and instead of wasting any time I just came right out with it. “Here's the skinny Harry, I'm lookin' for Bigfoot, seen him around?" The man got very upset. At first I wasn't sure why, but once I got a better look at him things became clear. He was a she, and she had a name tag on that said “Hello, my name is Bigfoot." She grunted and went off in a huff. I shook my head. “I must be having an off day," I thought to myself. That was after all the third time someone had been frustrated with my behavior. A few seconds later a man in a lab coat came out to greet me.
“I hear you're a real jerk," he said.
“Sorry, just on an expedition to find Bigfoot. I didn't realize you guys had already found him, I mean her. You guys should really tell the rest of the world."
“Oh trust me, we tried Mr. Jerkface."
“Hey, I may not have a lab coat, but I'm still a scientist just like you. I represent The 2027 Club, and we wanted to know the truth of the matter."
The man took out a microscope and studied my appearance scrupulously. When he was done he said, “I'm sorry, why didn't you just say so? Come on back I'll show you around."
I proceeded to follow him down a hallway which led to a lounge of some sort. Several other scientists were there playing one of those hunting games you used to see at bowling alleys and pizza parlors. The lady from the front desk stood there off to the side shaking her head. I instantly averted my eyes and the scientist showed me to a large room filled with artifacts they collected from the deep woods.
“Feel free to tell your constituents that we've got Bigfoot," he said, “but what I'm about to show you is the real mystery."
He then opened a secret door by pulling on the tail of a stuffed monkey, and what I saw made my jaw drop. There in the center of a freezing cold autopsy room was a giant skeleton, possibly twelve or thirteen feet in length judging by the pelvis. The scientist informed me that the skeleton had been in their possession for over ten years, but due to a clerical error, no one knew it was back there.
“You can imagine our surprise when we found out we had this," he said.
“I'm pretty shocked that it slipped through the cracks," I replied.
“You know how it is working in a museum."
“No, I don't actually."
“Oh. Well, I guess we just get so busy, so overwhelmed with the chaos of not having anything to do but sit here all day that we forget about the paperwork we're supposed to file. We end up sort of haphazardly throwing sh-t back here, and we just hope that someday someone like you comes looking for it. Take the Science Museum in London for example. Took 'em fifty years before they knew they had a UFO on the shelf. But what are we supposed to do? Pay attention to the nitty-gritty details? We've got enough to worry about. What with all the visitors and the exhibits coming alive at night."
“I guess that's true," I replied. “So what can you tell me about this giant?"
“Based on what we know, which isn't much, we think its an elaborate hoax. Someone could've made a mold and cast this bad boy out of plaster and we would have no way of knowing."
“Couldn't you just run some tests?"
“Ha! Yea right. Like were gonna just chip off a piece of a skeleton and put it through rigorous testing to determine its origins. This guy could be millions, if not hundreds of years old. We'd be tampering with the evidence. There are rules against that sort of thing."
“Okay, but have you asked around? Are there any stories about giants roaming around the forest?"
“I was hoping you'd ask that."
“I'm sure."
The scientist went over to a file cabinet and pulled out a stack of artist renditions of the giant in question. They looked like this:
I said, “Lemme guess, they parlayed for magic beans?"
The scientist looked at me cluelessly. He told me the Sashquachetorium received these drawings from a couple, claiming it was a sketch of a real live giant they had met in the woods. They claimed that there were dozens of them living in caves up on the mountain, and that they had to strap the roof down on their house just to keep them from barging in and stealing logs from the fire to light their giant cigarettes. Supposedly the giants are nice, they're just afraid that the “little people" would try to kill them if they were to show their face in town. Instead, they must willingly give themselves a bad name by stealing sheep in order to eat while remaining secret.
“Where are these people now?" I asked.
“They live in a Finnish style cabin about four hours away. They don't take kindly to visitors however."
“That's disappointing," I replied.
“Are we done here? I really need to take a nap," the scientist said.
“Yea, that's enough for now."
I thanked the good scientist for his time, and told him to apologize once again to Ms. Bigfoot for my ignorance. We left the archives and I headed back out to the parking lot. In some ways I was underwhelmed. I had been so hopeful that the giant skeleton would lead to something interesting. But, you can't win 'em all. Thanks to the apparently boggy bureaucratic sh-tshow that is museum maintenance, I guess we'll never know if the fairytales are true.
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DANGERFIELD