THIS JUST IN!
Real estate mogul Trumph Jerryrig McDonald has been forced to respond to claims that he claimed to own The Red Rainbow Tower of All Time after proclaiming, "I own like, hundreds of these," in an interview back in February of 2026. Naturally every reporter in the country took to their social media accounts a year later to see if this was true, and then broke into his mansion at 4:20 am on Wednesday last week. They held him at mic-point and ruthlessly belittled him before asking any initial questions. Once McDonald was allowed to speak, he said the first thing that came into his mind. "Melania, make yourself decent we've got another illegal entry." The reporters immediately started firing off:
"Are you implying that we aren't allowed to jump over the wall you put around your house?"
"How expensive are the clothes your wife is putting on?"
"Is she normally indecent Mr. McDonald?"
"Do you, do you not, or don't you not own The Red Rainbow?"
"Trumph, we need answers immediately!"
Clearly McDonald didn't agree, because he used both hands to grab a glass of water from the end table and spent three whole minutes taking tiny sips. After voicing his satisfaction he turned to the reporters and said, "Seriously, you people are just now hearing about this?" Then another burst:
"When you say 'you people' are you calling us illegal aliens?"
"Melania, does Trumph always use racial slurs this early in the morning?"
"Do you mean to say that people who are deaf are somehow less likely to know about current events than us normal people?"
"Trumph, by calling us 'normal' are you insinuating that we're better than them?"
McDonald rubbed his temples rigorously and replied, "Okay. Okay. Now, you said that, not me. Let's get the facts straight. I think the American people deserve to know the truth, they do. And next chance I get I'm gonna give it to 'em. I'm gonna tell them YOU said that stuff, not me. I'm tired of this. I just am. I used to be President of this great country, and...I have to say, no more of this p---yfootin' around. I know what I'm talking about. I spent eight of the most stressful years of my life dealing with this sh-t. It has to stop. We have to put an end to it. When I say things like, 'I should know, I own hundreds of these,' I'm talking about my Towers. Not these other people's. They're very nice people, very good people. In fact, I've known them for many years and I think they're some of the very best people. But I never said anything about owning that building. That's just how I talk. Now if you'd please leave us alone so I can get dressed. I have to be in Florida this afternoon so I can whack a bunch of balls into eighteen different holes. Do you know what I'm referring to? I think so." With that McDonald closed the bathroom door and presumably sat down on his golden toilet and took a giant dump. It didn't take long for the story to make the rounds, and by lunch the mainstream media was putting out broadcasts like this:
"Just a few moments ago Trumph McDonald met with some of our most honest journalists to review a statement he made a year ago that has suddenly become relevant. When asked about racial slurs he stated, and I quote, "That's just how I talk." Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for us, he didn't stop there. He went on to say, and I quote, "No more p---yfootin' around. The illegal entry of [ALIENS] has to stop. We have to put an end to it. I was president of this country for eight years, and I know what I'm talking about." When asked to clarify this p---yfoot statement he dismissed the reporters with a crass sexual innuendo saying, and I quote, "I have to whack [MY] balls."
Ladies and gentlemen, once again McDonald has proven beyond a doubt that we never should've let Hitlary lose the election she tried to rig, and if we aren't careful, Trumph might force us to keep saying things like p---yfoot on LIVE Television, or worse, start another proxy war and cover up missile threats over island territories. I'm Janet Cameltow, and that concludes the morning news, goodnight."
Here at The Trumpette we aspire to transcend this sort of nonsense and use counter-journalism to make the news fairly decent again. Will we be successful? Absolutely. If you don't believe us, just wait and see how bad it gets.
Written by BoDunk Bigglton.
Stormy Weather
An interview with the much older, wiser, yet equally out of touch Trumph McDonald
Hello, my name is Danielle Danielson and I’m sitting here with the infamous Trump McDonald.
You sure are Danielle.
For those out there who have never heard of you—though I’m not sure how that’s possible—what was it that elevated you to the infamous status that you now hold?
Well, it’s simple really. Regular fame just wasn’t good enough for me.
Some say that having me interview you is a conflict of interest. I am a staff writer working for your own personal tabloid after all. How do you respond to that? Is it biased?
I don’t see it that way at all Danielle. Look, I hire only the best of the best. Anything less is unacceptable. Naturally that means that in order to get the best I have to turn to my own staff. There’s no way around it. If I walk down the street and go in for an interview with the Times or the Journal all I’m going to get is some second rate hack. And nobody wants that. They want the best. So, no, there’s no bias here. It’s just the way it is. Now, if someone else had a news outlet that was better than mine I would gladly give them my business, but unfortunately Danielle, that’s not the world we live in.
How true. Trumph, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how you fire people. Does it happen the way you portrayed it on television? You know, you sit at a big desk in a dark room and point to a random person in a line of people and say “You’re Fired!!” Then they walk away having been embarrassed in front of all their friends? I would speak from personal experience, but you’ve never fired me.
That can be arranged.
Oh, no thank you. Just an answer to the question would be good.
Of course that’s how I fire people. That was my business and that was how I fired people. Why would I behave differently off camera?
I mean, in the past you have been known to say some things off camera that really backfired when they became televised.
Sure, but that’s not my fault. Those morons should’ve known better. Everything that happens on camera is meant to be shown, obviously. But not everything that’s off camera is meant to see the light of day. They should’ve been able to make that distinction on their own. It was a bad judgement call on their part. I mean, that’s a prime example of why I only work with the best. Anyone with half a brain knows that you should always make celebrities look good. Hell, that’s rule number one as far as I’m concerned. Otherwise the economy would fall into shambles.
Why is that?
Well, Danielle, I realize that this might go over your head being that you have no background in finance, but I do. I have a tremendous background in finance. A huge one. The fact of the matter is, the economy has a heck of a lot to do with finance. Not a ton, but a heck of a lot. Now, it’s not about jobs, it’s not about taxes, it’s not about the stocks, it’s about the image. Why do you think I always put gold stuff everywhere? See, poor people need to be inspired by our fabulousness. If they saw me in my natural habitat, stained tank-top, old boxer briefs, lounging on the bed with a pile of discarded Big Mac buns for a pillow while I yell at Tiger Woods on the TV, they would have no motivation to get rich. They’d say to themselves, “Well, I’ve already got that, what do I need mo’ money for?” If that mindset were to somehow make its way into the economy we’d be screwed. Seriously f—ked. But, if they see me flying to Florida on my private jet made of pure gold, or in the poshest hotel lounge being flanked by more bodacious co-eds than you can possibly imagine, they’ll want to go out and work harder. They’ll be so inspired by my greatness that they won’t want to stop until they too have that same amount of greatness, if not more. In conclusion, Danielle, in order to have a flourishing economy, you have to make the poor people feel like who they are isn’t enough, that they should be working towards something bigger, better, and more beautiful than themselves. If you can do that, the country will be in great financial standing because everyone will be working so hard to make money.
Okay, but if there is only a certain amount of money in the economy, how can people make it?
I’m not talking about literally making money Danielle. They have to go out and get it by working for it. Once they get enough, they won’t have to work anymore and they’ll just get it by existing. I myself, as an example, haven’t done any work in years, yet I get more money all the time. Same goes for all my friends.
What I’m saying is, if there is only a certain amount of money out there, and a bunch of poor people get rich, doesn’t that mean that a bunch of rich people would have to get poorer?
No, not at all.
The money has to come from somewhere.
No it doesn’t.
But you said they can’t literally MAKE money.
Well, they can’t, but we do it all the time.
Isn’t that illegal?
Not if you have the government do it for you.
Seems a little hypocritical.
It’s not about right or wrong Danielle. The only reason its illegal for a normal person to do it is that they don’t know what they’re doing. There’s a standard. You have to make money look really good, really official. It sells the illusion of it being a real thing. If you let a bunch of small town half-wits make their own money, you could end up with something that just looks ridiculous. They’re liable to f—k it up. It has to look right Danielle. Aesthetics, that’s all it is. You wouldn’t let Billy Bucktooth design the next Gucci handbag would you? No, never.
So, in a sense, the government is just making sure people get the highest quality when it comes to the way their cash looks. They’re trying to help.
Exactly.
Let’s talk a little bit about your latest attempt at pretending to be an author, How to Fix Everything Without Actually Doing Anything.
Sure, let’s do that.
Did you sit down with a real author and tell them what to write? Like, you share your thoughts and they turn them into something legible?
Oh, absolutely not. I had no part in the writing process. That’s the beauty of my technique. See, when you’re rich enough you can just pay people to do things while you do nothing. Then once their done with all the work they give you the credit, even if hundreds of thousands of people were involved. It’s great. I mean, the only reason the book even needed to be made was because most rich people are so useless they don’t even know how to get people to do things for them. That’s why they have so many assistants. I wanted to give them back their confidence. Let them know that even though asking people to do things for you might seem complicated, it’s actually not.
Is there any part that you legitimately played in the making of the book?
I posed for the picture on the cover. It was so wonderful.
Doesn’t that constitute doing something, and thereby nullify your claim that you don’t have to do anything?
Not in the slightest. The photoshoot had nothing to do with the book at the time. People love taking pictures of me, so I let them do it. I let people do what they love and that makes them love me. It just happened to be that someone needed a picture of me to use on the cover of my book and I said, well, there’s plenty right here in my desk drawer. I keep them there in case I need some inspiration. So I whipped out a hard one and they said, “Wow, that’s amazing,” then I showed them the photos from the drawer. *laughs*
I feel like I’m missing something.
Just a little locker room humor Danielle, you wouldn’t understand because girls aren’t allowed in locker rooms. What happens in those situations Danielle is that even though you might be talking about one thing; boobs, asses, thigh gaps, that sort of thing, the joke always comes back around to penises. If you can make another man laugh about your p—ypleaser without actually laughing at it, you become the most powerful person in the room.
I’m going to ignore the fact that you just said p—ypleaser with a straight face.
I hate to say it Danielle, but by saying that you’re doing the opposite of what you’re saying.
One could say the same to you. I don’t think you hated saying that one bit.
Oh yes I did. I hated it so much.
Trumph, do you feel at ease knowing that you’re no longer President?
Absolutely. I can’t believe they made me do that.
They made you?
Of course. I didn’t actually want to be President, my god. Don’t be naive Danielle. Those bastards voted me in. Next thing you know I had to pretend like I fully expected it to happen, much less had a plan.
Why did you run if you didn’t think you were going to win?
Hey, a guy needs a boost every once in a while. I’d been out of the public eye for way too long. No one was writing articles about me, my tweets were falling on deaf ears no matter how outlandish they were, I couldn’t get my new TV series off the ground…
New TV series? I never heard anything about that.
That was exactly the problem. No one wanted to hear it.
What was it about?
I was going to call it, Prostitutional Rights. I thought it would be great to do it just like The Apprentice. I line up a bunch of ladies from all walks of life, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, etc, and I make them debate whether or not it’s sexist for a man to fight for a woman’s right to sell her body to strange men for money, or if it would be better to just let the women do the fighting for us.
And what was the goal of the contestants?
To convince me.
Of what?
That hiring them would be worth my while.
Isn’t that dangerously close to actual prostitution?
Oh no, no. Absolutely not. No one’s body would actually have been sold. I would just give them money in exchange for the right to tell them what to do with their bodies. Like, I’d tell them to wake up every morning at 6 a.m., shower, put on make-up, drive to my tower, take the elevator to their cubicle and get to work making me money while they wait for their measly little paycheck every two weeks, or whenever I’m feeling generous enough to pull some dough out of my many overseas piggy banks. Otherwise, they’re fired. They maintain the right to do whatever they want with their privates on their free time, that’s why they call them privates. I was just looking for worthy employees. Very simple. Very innocent.
I guess that brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “You’re not the boss of me.”
Indeed it does. The only time the boss isn’t in charge is when you’re in the bathroom or the bedroom. Otherwise they maintain complete control of where you go and what you do with the physical person that is you. Heck, the boss can tell you what not to post on the internet, what sort of people you aren’t allowed to be around, what sort of parties you're allowed to go to, what sort of medications you’re allowed to take, what sort of sexual preference doesn’t suit the company image, what sort of words you aren’t allowed to say, what sort of thoughts you are allowed to share publicly, all that and more.
Well, Trumph, this is 2027, people are actually in control of their own lives now.
You’re right. It’s been very bad for business this whole, ‘Do whatever you want,” trend.
You think it’s a trend?
Of course.
Don’t you think it’s here to stay? I mean, it feels right.
If there’s one thing I know Danielle, and there isn’t because I know way way more than one thing, but if there was only one, it would be that people don’t just stop and say, “yep, we’re good.” Otherwise as soon as we met the Native Americans we would’ve been like, wow, this way of life is perfectly fine the way it is. They have everything they need AND they’re in harmony with nature. They’ve got it all figured out. Maybe we should stop here. Maybe we should be that way with them. But no, we wanted stuff. We wanted trains, planes, auto mobiles, space ships, cell phones, internet, computers, credit cards, insurance companies, cash money, talking robots, talking robots that have sex with us, tall buildings, world banks, big bombs, nuclear weapons to destroy everything, the list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter if things are perfect. We’ll find a way to make it worse, even if it kills us. If the Bible tells us anything, which it definitely does try to tell us what to do, it also tells us that even if everything is absolutely perfect, someone somewhere will f—k it all up. All it takes is one, and there always is.
You’ve become very philosophical in your old age.
Yes I have Danielle. I’m thinking about having someone write a book for me about my views.
Well, I for one would like to think that what you’ve described is not the case. I think everyone alive now sees the world and thinks, hey, we’ve finally made it. We’re here. Things are good.
Hey, you can like to think whatever you want, but you’re wrong. I learned the truth very quickly with that Q thing.
What do you mean?
Q anon. Anonymous Q. The government insider/individual/group/artificial/humanoid/extra-terrestrial/terrestrial/time-traveler intelligence that was steeped so deep in my presidency that it was common knowledge. So common in fact that they wrote it off as a conspiracy theory.
I know that, what do you mean by the truth?
I mean that the whole “Where We Go One We Go All,” catch phrase was a serious mistake. Sure, wherever the population on this planet goes is where we all go literally, but I don’t think Q realized that the phrase itself ruins everything.
Why?
Because Danielle, it’s obvious. Clearly so obvious. If we’re all in this great place, really fantastic, everything is good the way it is, and one, just one person decides to go a different, much worse way, do we all have to go along with it? F—k no! Forget them, they’re crazy. So, nowadays I think about that sh-t we used to say, “Where We Go One We Go All,” and I think, well f—k, we sure screwed the pooch on that one. I mean, I seriously can’t fathom why we ever thought that acting like sheep was a good idea. Sheep are stupid. Like, so stupid. People thought that by joining up with the Q movement they were giving the Illuminati the finger, but really they were just trading one sheep shepard for another. Granted, there was some gruesome stuff going on around the world, and that had to come to an end once and for all, but, realistically the same feat could’ve been accomplished by just telling people that. You say hey, don't put up with mainstream bullsh-t or blindly follow the talking heads on your television because they're all bloodsucking reptiles. Otherwise you get this deal where one guy says, “Hey lets go jump off this cliff,” and everyone has to say to themselves, “Well, I guess this is it, where we go one we go all.”
Doesn’t sound like a good deal in the slightest.
You’re damn right Danielle. You’re so smart. I know all this because I wrote The Fart of The Deal, but I’m very impressed by your natural know-how.
Well *blushes* I think that might be a good place to stop. Any closing comments Trumph?
Sure. All you readers out there, don’t forget to look for my new book, How to Fix Everything Without Doing Anything, on shelves by November 2028. And, please order my new “MAKE ME RICH AGAIN” hat from your local dealer of American products made in China.
*mic static*