(Pictured: Sheriff Sully Clearwater)
NOW LISTEN HERE FOLKS!
There's talk around town that somethin' fishy is a-foot, and as you all know, that gosh darn seems to be business as usual these days. Heck, Mistyville Jefferson has never been no place for normies, and that's fine by us! But it don't change the fact that we need to get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing we do. In case you missed the town meeting and haven't had a chance to stop by the Milestone Saloon for a shot of whiskey, six beers and a recap of the minutes, Sheriff Clearwater has suggested that we leave our doors unlocked and our windows open for the remainder of the season. A'course that may seem like common knowledge to y'all, but it never hurts to have a reminder. That way if whoever or whatever is purpetratin' this madness decides to come a'callin', you got every right to shoot his or her or it's ass right on the spot. So as always, keep your guns loaded and your dyno dry, it's gettin' wild out here in the West, again.
In other news!*
You Betcha
Ernest Hemingway and Walt Whitman are still dead.
This article brought to you by Quincy Jones
Local happenings
HE’S BACK
By Derk Slugger
According to Jeb—everyone's favorite shotgun owner that lives in a trailer downtown—Frank is back. “I seen him,” Jeb says. A’course, none of us truly know who Frank is, or why he comes to town every once in a while. But one things for sure, we don’t like it. Not one bit. Don’t let the title of TRAIN ROBBER fool you. We just wrote that on the poster so that tourists won’t get scared. Those yuppies’ll think it’s a joke, or better yet, completely made up. Fact o’the matter is, he must be found, dead or alive. Preferably alive so that we can ask him all kinds of questions.
Unfortunately, Jeb refused to give us any more details about his sighting of Frank. “Y’all’re part of the multi-medium conspiratorium and I just know it. I ain’t tellin’ you shit jack.” he said, adding, “By the by, are you cheatin’ on my wife?”
Crazy coot Jeb aside, everybody knows there’s at least twelve ways to skin a cat. We decided to speak with a couple of reliable teenagers who go to Mistyville High School: Marty Marigold and Nils Hannigan are their names, and they walk past Jeb’s trailer every morning on their way to school. “He talks to us sometimes, yeah,” they both said simultaneously. Marty was particularly helpful. “I remember Jeb saying that someone appeared out of the sky, like one of them hellraisin’ aliens, and he tried to shoot him, but the bullets just went right through his ass, or something like that. He was pretty drunk. I figured it wasn’t true.”
Let’s just hope Marty is right.
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IT’S NOT ALL BAD
By Rocky Sparks,
Principal of Mistyville High
“Lots of people think that our little town has gone to pot, but I disagree,” Larry said as he wiped his nose. His two friends Jerry and Gene sat there quietly trying not to laugh. “Anyone with half a brain knows the pot came to us.”
The punch line landed like a led balloon at the Jefferson Airport, and we all slapped our knees—no matter how arthritic. Gene was the first to attempt a follow up. “The Legal Marijuana Industry is the best thing that ever happened to this joint.”
We all waited with baited breath—“The ones I used to smoke in the 70’s weren’t nearly as dank.”
Once the second bout of gut bustin’ laugher subsided, we all collectively turned to Jerry, who was starting off into the distance. At first we thought he was going to say something super profound, but in reality, this is what we got: “Do you think they call it The Dilly Deli because they want you stick around. You know, Dilly dally.” No one laughed at that. But we did laugh ten seconds later because the silence was hilarious.
You know, few things in life are better than being a resident of Mistyville, Jefferson. And one of those things is drinking a can of Grandaddy Perks Canna-Coffee on Main Street with these geezers.
on the home front
What's The Point?
By Leonard Booshah
Sheriff Clearwater and Deputy Quincy were called to the house of Mrs. Jones Tuesday morning on account of something very strange indeed. It seems that her Siamese cat—known as Professor Snufflefluff— came in contact with something that no one has been able to explain. “It all started at two seconds to seven,” Mrs. Jones said, according to Quincy. “The Professor was poised atop the grandfather clock, and he meowed very, very, very loudly just before the bell stuck the hour. It’s like he knew it was going to happen, and he wanted to be louder than the bell when the ringing of it finally happened.” It is reported that immediately after this occurred, The Professor started chasing a laser around the living room as if existence itself depended on his ability to catch it. “That’s when I knew it was time to call the authorities,” Mrs. Jones supposedly said, “because it’s impossible for a cat to catch a laser pointer, and we all know that. If I didn’t call 911, who knows how long he would’ve gone after that thing.” Of course, there is nothing strange a’tall about a cat chasing a laser pointer. I would reckon that most of the cat owners around town entertain their pets in just this very way. After all, it is much easier than using yarn. A) You don’t have to get out of your chair. B) There’s no tangled mess to deal with.
The hitch in this story’s gitty-up is this: The Mrs. was not in possession of a laser pointer, nor was anyone in or around the house using one. As of now, it remains a complete and utter mystery as to how the floating red dot made its way into the house. To make matters worse, every window in the house was covered over with tin foil, so there’s no way that someone from the outside was pointing the laser in. Sheriff Clearwater has been thinking about it for a while, he says, and apparently there is a chance that it is something from The 7th Dimension, which we all know is entirely possible. “It is also possible that The Mrs. is just lying to our faces, or that she made the whole thing up because she’s old and gets confused,” the Sheriff followed up.
The mystery is not without leads, however. We spoke to Rupert Flowers, the owner of our local record store Elevator to Eleven. He was pretty out of it as you can imagine, but we managed to get a few interesting tidbits of information from him. He claims to have seen a Drifter moseying around town. Apparently this Drifter came into the record store and dropped off an album by a band called Relatively Hot Moms. The Drifter proceeded to leave town and never come back. The reason Rupert decided to tell the Sheriff and Quincy about this is because the Drifter had a “really fancy looking laser pointer in his shirt pocket, and that seemed weird because most people put pens there.” What really kicks things into gear is that according to the date on the receipt, the album the Drifter brought in was sold to Luna Mar-Lane at exactly 7:00am on Tuesday morning. That's the very same time on the very same morning that the event took place at the house of Mrs. Jones. If that’s not a coincidence, then we don’t know what is. The good news is that the Drifter is gone, so if indeed he/she/it was responsible for this mystical appearance of the red dot/laser-pointer/orb from the 7th dimension, there’s a 100% chance it won’t happen again. Yet still, we don’t have a definitive explanation, so keep your ear to the ground, and thankye kindly.
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The Red Rainbow Lodge in Mistyville is an exercise in serenity. It also has the potential to become a totally groundbreaking establishment on a global scale. Unfortunately, it's so damn nice out in the woods that no one ever gets any work done. They're prolonged exposure to nature seems to have caused them to believe that having fun is more important than anything else. Frankly, it's a glorified summer camp for adults. Thank goodness for 2027 Club member Rick Dangerfield. At least he goes out looking for Ghosts and Aliens and Bigfoot and stuff. Read his reports by CLICKING HERE.