THEIR FIRST ARRIVAL
When I said the 2000's, you probably thought I meant this millennia, when in reality I was referring to 2000 BCE. We're talking about a time when the alphabet itself was being made up. Not only that, but the Babylonians and the Egyptians thought they were the best thing since the wheel. Chariot warfare ruled the earth, and most people were idiots. But then one fine day a giant zeppelin shaped aircraft flew in from the North and landed right next to the Great Pyramid of Giza. Out from this ship came two sharply dressed Badasses. They approached the Pharaoh--Mentuhotep II--and said, "so you guys build sandcastles, that's cute." Mentuhotep became so angry that he threatened to sick his entire army on them. The two badasses threw up their hands and said, "fine, then I guess we won't tell you how to turn metal into music. Perhaps Queen Semiramis will be more hardcore." They immediately returned to their ship and fired up the engine. The Pharaoh called after them saying, "Wait! Nevermind! I didn't mean it! Don't tell the Babylonians, tell us!" But by then it was too late. As the ship was pulling away the legendary Northerners yelled out the window, "we'll be back in 4000 years, maybe by then you'll have learned your lesson."
Dun Dun Dun...
Their Second ARRIVAL
WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
As you well know, many things changed over the course of those 4000 years. Ancient Egyptian culture took a serious nose dive, and Queen Semiramis of Babylon was reduced to a copper statue in the Sea of Atlantis. So, when the Badasses returned as promised, they were very disappointed to find that these once great empires had failed miserably. They were also disappointed to hear that the metal of old had become a laughing matter. They spent a few days flying around the earth with their invisibility cloak turned on. They took note of the copper statue, and of the obelisks now scattered about the United States, and decided that that would be the best place to start if they were going to set the record straight with the current state of the empire. They immediately sent an e-mail to an undisclosed source saying, "We'll be stopping by tomorrow night to look at a statue. +++" This information was then spread about the internet via an official statement made from the CC's social media account, and by the next day everyone was gathered in preparation. The scene was fantastic in every sense of the word. Costumes, music, food, drink, signs, exhibits catering to the human race, day-glo dancers, and science fiction fanfare littered the streets. We were partying super hard as you can probably guess. At one point we had a false alarm. The moon came out like never before. It was so huge it looked fake, and it was redder than it had ever been.
A brief riot of happiness broke out, even after we found out it was a tease. As nightfall slowly drew near, and the suspense grew, eventually reaching a point that was unlike anything we had ever experienced........Finally, the lights shone overhead. It was exactly like you would imagine. They were blinking and bleeping, zipping and zapping, whooshing and waving, booming and banging, swooping and swaying. When the ship was close enough for us to hear the engine, we recognized the sound. It was indistinguishable from a synthesizer. It proceeded to hover over the crowd for some time. Everyone stared up at it in wonder. An eerie glow permeated the eyes and minds of all that beheld the majestic craft.
Then one of the aliens opened a hatch and started saying something in a wobbly language no one could understand.
"........^^^^----------.^..^^^^-------------.....^^^_____________ __^_^---------------------------___ ----^^^^+++!"
Seconds later a penny hit the ground, then morphed into music. The creators descended a stairway of shadows. They spoke in english saying, "We were strangers and you did not welcome us, we loved heavy metal yet you laughed at us." Those of us who heard it said, "Aliens, when did we see you and did not welcome you? That's never happened." Then they answered us, saying, ‘Truly, We say to you, as you did not do it to the Scene Kids, you did not do it to us." They lifted up their middle fingers, and silence fell upon the crowd.
That's when we saw an entire fleet approaching on the horizon...
In case you were wondering
This is the song they tried to sell to Mentuhotep II:
And Furthermore...
This is apparently the teaser trailer for their forthcoming album, release date unknown. It’s first video they've put out in at least--I don't know--thousands upon thousands of years. Supposedly they made it back in 2004 BCE, but Thor got so jealous of how heavy it was that he took the crystal it was saved on (hard drives were made out of crystals in those days) and smashed it with a hammer. Supposedly he's been carrying that hammer around for sentimental reasons ever since. Luckily we knew someone who could take the find dust and put it back together again, so the video has been restored to its original condition. As a professional curtesy, ESOTERRACE sat down and had a long talk with Thor about their intentions to release it. Apparently he said, “Well, now that there all all kinds of movies about me, it's chill." So, I guess if anything he'll be promoting this one.
